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some think the subject of music in not necessary in primary school, and other practical subjects like science should replace it. what is your opinion.

It is often argued that subject of music is unnecessary in primary education and it should be superseded by educational subject such as science. In my opinion, music ought to be taught in primary school rather than science due to some solid arguments that are elucidated in ensuing paragraphs. The foremost reason for my belief is that children enrolled in primary schools have limited cognitive ability and scientific subjects are utmost hard for them to understand. In other words, due to the fact that these young minds cannot critically think about extreme educational subjects, they might lose their interest in education and it can have detrimental effect on their brains and therefore, it is wise to introduce study oriented subjects in secondary education when they have more capabilities. Furthermore, music is an artistic subject and is usually relished by primary students. It can develop interest in pupils and consequently they will have a strong urge to go to school regularly. Thus, music can a mode of encouragement to children. Additionally, primary school is the starting point of this young and exuberant generation into discipline and education. This is the first time they learn in groups and understand the basics of education stream. They have a lot to grasp and, sometimes, it can be cumbersome for them. In turn, classes of music can keep these young children captivated and therefore, are subjects such as music is essential for their nurture. However, some people might put forth that it is good to introduce educational subjects such as science to primary students as soon as possible as it can help them satisfy their curiosity such as the cycle of day and night, different weathers the country has and etcetera. However, in my perception, their hunger for knowledge can be fulfilled by informal discussion in class and a formal class for it is not futile. In conclusion, there are a plethora of merits associated with music for primary school, stress buster and encouragement are a few of them and one advantage of science subject's introduction to satisfy the educational thirst of curious minds, can be fulfilled by informal discussion. Therefore, I opine that music is a mandatory subject for primary eduction.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
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subject
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is unnecessary in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
education and
it should
be superseded
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
ought to
be taught
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solid arguments that
are elucidated
in ensuing paragraphs.

The foremost reason for my belief is that children enrolled in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have limited cognitive ability and scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are utmost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to understand.
In other words
, due to the fact that these young minds cannot
critically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they might lose their interest in
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
education and
it can have detrimental effect on their brains and
therefore
, it is wise to introduce study oriented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
when they have more capabilities.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and is
usually
relished by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
students. It can develop interest in pupils and
consequently
they will have a strong urge to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
regularly
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can a mode of encouragement to children.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the starting point of this young and exuberant generation into discipline and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This is the
first
time they learn in groups and understand the basics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
stream. They have a lot to grasp and,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, it can be cumbersome for them. In turn, classes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
these young children captivated and
therefore
, are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is essential for their nurture.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might put forth that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to introduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
students as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible as it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them satisfy their curiosity such as the cycle of day and night,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
weathers the country has and etcetera.
However
, in my perception, their hunger for knowledge can
be fulfilled
by informal discussion in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and a formal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
for it is not futile.

In conclusion
, there are a plethora of merits associated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
buster and encouragement are a few of them and one advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
subject's introduction to satisfy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
thirst of curious minds, can
be fulfilled
by informal discussion.
Therefore
, I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a mandatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
Possible spelling mistake found.
eduction
.
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IELTS essay some think the subject of music in not necessary in primary school, and other practical subjects like science should replace it. what is your opinion.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
367 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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