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Some people think the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own reasons.

To a certain extent I accept the role of schools is educate students become helpful citizens. I also believe that schools are environment for students to develop their individuals because of some reasons. Firstly, schools are given the rule systems which students must follow. These makes students become disciplinal and sense of responsibility person. Helping students gain knowledge is the second aim of schools. Besides learning the required subjects, students are also taught soft skills as behaviour, communication and teamwork skills. . . It shows that they have knowledge about both of scientific and social sides. These things demonstrate that schools are the best places to produce good citizens and workers in the future. On the other hand, students can get benefits as individuals from schools. Throughout opening clubs and playgrounds in schools, students have freedom to take part in if they want. There are aptitude classes such as arts, dancing, . . for students to join. Furthermore they will learn how to establish the relationships with other people. They make friends with the same hobbies and so on. Then students will have opportunities to enhance their abilities and creation. I think balancing mental and physical health for students is definitely important. Education needs to be accompanied with benefits of individuals because it helps students grow up positively and students feel comfortable when studying at schools. In conclusion, it is totally true that the goal of schools is building good members for society. And education impacts on benefits as individual.
To a certain extent I accept the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is
Consider using either the past participle “educated” or the present participle “educating” here.
educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
become helpful citizens. I
also
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to develop their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
systems which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
become
Possible spelling mistake found.
disciplinal
and sense of responsibility person. Helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gain knowledge is the second aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Besides
learning the required subjects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
also
taught soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as
Possible spelling mistake. ‘behaviour’ is British English.
behaviour
, communication and teamwork
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Don’t put a space before the full stop.
.
Don’t put a space before the full stop.
.
It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that they have knowledge about both of scientific and social sides. These things demonstrate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are the best places to produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens and workers in the future.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefits as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. Throughout opening clubs and playgrounds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in if they want. There are aptitude classes such as arts, dancing
Did you just mean “,” or “.”?
, .
Don’t put a space before the full stop.
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
they will learn how to establish the relationships with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with the same hobbies and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have opportunities to enhance their abilities and creation.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
balancing mental and physical health for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is definitely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Education needs to be
The usual collocation for “accompany” is “by”, not “with”.
accompanied with
benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
grow up
positively
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
feel comfortable when studying at schools.

In conclusion
, it is
totally
true that the goal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members for society. And education impacts on benefits as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
.
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IELTS essay Some people think the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. Give your own reasons.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
250 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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