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Some people think the government should make young people do a year of unpaid work in their community before they begin a career. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think the government should make young people do a year of unpaid work in their community before they begin a career. KlmDL
Some people think the government should make young people do a year of unpaid work in their community before they begin a career. Do you agree or disagree? Community work indeed provides excellent benefits to participants as well as the community. However, forcing young people to do this work may not be a good idea. In this essay, I will tell you what should be more beneficial. First of all, If youth were required to free work for the community. There would be many advantages for all sides related. A majority of younger people generation are more energetic, dynamic and passionate about their self-improvement. And it is unpaid work that can satisfy the demand. Charitable organizations such as teaching village students and helping older people in their hard times are beneficial and mentally satisfy them. Also, this type of work allows them to be a good citizen. With the help of the young generation, the government has a productive workforce available for charity work without wasting money on the recruitment process and maintenance. Secondly, I believe that the disadvantages of this are more critical. Working as a volunteer may distract them from their life goal. For example, College students are expected to do their daily study and homework even learn new things to improve themself, and carrier-oriented knowledge which helps them succeed in their lives. With such a heavy workload and pressure, those students should spend their free time playing sports and relaxing rather than join free social activities. Those who do not go to school should seek internships or part-time courses. These skills help these individuals achieve a better, stable life later; Therefore, The Government should allow them to pursue their carrier. In conclusion, the youth can choose to support others, and Maybe many students are not interested in unpaid work. Therefore volunteer work should never be made obligatory.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do a year of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
a career.

Do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
or disagree?

Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
indeed
provides excellent benefits to participants
as well
as the community.
However
, forcing young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
may not be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you what should be more beneficial.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, If youth
were required
to free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the community. There would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for all sides related. A majority of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generation are more energetic, dynamic and passionate about their self-improvement. And it is unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that can satisfy the demand. Charitable organizations such as teaching village
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and helping older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
times are beneficial and mentally satisfy them.
Also
, this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the young generation, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has a productive workforce available for charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without wasting money on the recruitment process and maintenance.

Secondly
, I believe that the disadvantages of this are more critical. Working as a volunteer may distract them from their life goal.
For example
, College
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to do their daily study and homework even learn new things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
, and carrier-oriented knowledge which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them succeed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. With such a heavy workload and pressure, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should spend their free time playing sports and relaxing
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
free social activities. Those who do not go to school should seek internships or part-time courses. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these individuals achieve a better, stable life later;
Therefore
, The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to pursue their carrier.

In conclusion
, the youth can choose to support others, and Maybe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not interested in unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
should never
be made
obligatory.
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IELTS essay Some people think the government should make young people do a year of unpaid work in their community before they begin a career.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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