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Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people.

In our community, it is said that If you are a rich man, you have more responsibility. But in reality, it varies from person to person. There is a tendency to believe that wealthy people can help more than other people in our societies, even many people are doing quite opposite to our thinking. As far as I am concerned that assisting people is not all about money because many of us supporting people with a more valuable thing than money. As a result, I am unconvinced that only wealthy people have the opportunity to assist others. First of all, although most people in our society would like to become a rich person. But many people have needed some time, mental support, good advice and valuable tips, and so on that, we cannot buy thanks to money. If we look around us there are lots of elderly people who live alone and cried to some companion from others. In spite of a lot of money, these people need only others to talk, smile and cry. Secondly, there are many adult boys and girls around us who hope some mental support even though they have a family. Indeed, they cannot buy mental support with their tiffin money. For example, many girls in the world who faced their first days of the natural period without consulting with their parents. To be more precise, they are fearing about this or their parents have no time for their girls. Thirdly, in my village, for example, my many people live in the below poverty line due to the lack of firming experience. Despite the fact that they have enough field to produce their own foods. Unfortunately, they are only aided by rich people when they get a lack of foods. However, good tips and valuable advice for firming could be more worth to them compared to that of food aid from rich people. Taking everything into consideration, being wealthy have not only the opportunity to help others but also provides support to their family. But, this is not the most vital one to do something for others, even we can do many things priceless without money.
In our community, it
is said
that If you are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, you have more responsibility.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in reality, it varies from person to person. There is a tendency to believe that wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our societies, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing quite opposite to our thinking. As far as I
am concerned
that assisting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is not all about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a more valuable thing than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
As a result
, I
am unconvinced
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the opportunity to assist others.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, although most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our society would like to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
person.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have needed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time, mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
advice and valuable tips, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on that, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
thanks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. If we look around us there are lots of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
alone and cried to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
companion from others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
others to talk, smile and cry.

Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adult boys and girls around us who hope
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
even though
they have a family.
Indeed
, they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
with their
Possible spelling mistake found.
tiffin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
girls in the world who faced their
first
days of the natural period without consulting with their parents. To be more precise, they are fearing about this or their parents have no time for their girls.

Thirdly
, in my village,
for example
, my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the below poverty line due to the lack of firming experience. Despite the fact that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
field to produce their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
foods. Unfortunately, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
aided by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a lack of foods.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
tips and valuable advice for firming could be more worth to them compared to that of food aid from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Taking everything into consideration, being wealthy
It seems that “to” is missing in front of the verb.
have
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to their family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, this is not the most vital one to do something for others, even we can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things priceless without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
361 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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