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SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT SECONDARY OR HIGH-LEVEL STUDENT SHOULD BE TAUGHT HOW TO USE MONEY MANAGEMENT AS IT IS AN IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS, DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? v.2

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT SECONDARY OR HIGH-LEVEL STUDENT SHOULD BE TAUGHT HOW TO USE MONEY MANAGEMENT AS IT IS AN IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS, v. 2
In today’s burgeoning population, everyone is lucrative in their own specialized field. Hence money management is the imperative life skill which should be taught to student in their early age. However, I completely agree with this notion and support my point of view in following paragraph. Firstly, money management is pivotal point of anyone’s life. In this contemporary world, teenagers are been lured by the booming advertisement of electronics, branded clothes and even other accessories which makes them spendthrifts. For instance, some teenagers tend to buy the advanced version of their phone, even if the current phone satisfies all the needs. The reason behind this due to peer-influence. Secondly. If the courses like management of money is taught early, then that is beneficial to themselves. The reason for this is from very young age they would be able to understand the value of money, which is a very good virtue. Apart from this, they will also be able to know how to save for future needs. One should understand that coming future is today’s present and one should be prepared to live with that in a safe and secure way. Lastly, they will also learn to control the unnecessary need of shopping or buying any electric device. This all ways would be beneficial to them, once they start earning and take responsibility of their family, when they reach their adolescence. This trait would lead them to a financially-balanced life. To sum up, I would like to reiterate saying that the best teacher to teach money management is parents, because they have gone through that path. Irrefutably it saves their future so it is a wise option to teach money management in high school.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s burgeoning population, everyone is lucrative in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
specialized field.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
is the imperative life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
which should
be taught
to student in their early age.
However
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion and support my point of view in following paragraph.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
is pivotal point of anyone’s life. In this contemporary world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are been
lured by the booming
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
electronics, branded clothes and even other accessories which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them spendthrifts.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the advanced version of their phone, even if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
phone satisfies all the needs. The reason behind this due to peer-influence.

Secondly
. If the courses like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is taught
early, then
that is
beneficial to themselves.
The reason for this is
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age they would be able to understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
virtue. Apart from this, they will
also
be able to know how to save for future needs. One should understand that coming future is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s present and one should
be prepared
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with that in a safe and secure way.

Lastly
, they will
also
learn to control the unnecessary need of shopping or buying any electric device. This
Did you mean "always"?
all ways
would be beneficial to them, once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning and take responsibility of their family, when they reach their adolescence. This trait would lead them to a
financially
-balanced life.

To sum up, I would like to reiterate saying that the best teacher to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
is parents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have gone through that path.
Irrefutably
it saves their future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is a wise option to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
in high school.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT SECONDARY OR HIGH-LEVEL STUDENT SHOULD BE TAUGHT HOW TO USE MONEY MANAGEMENT AS IT IS AN IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS, v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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