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Some people think that saving animals and plants is much important than others. Discuss both views?

At a time in which environmental problems are our top priority, the majority of people opine that blighting to animals and various plants is the most critical problem in our modernizing era. However others say differently: there are a multitude of vital problems besides damaging plants and animals. In this essay, I will give both arguments of the supporters and try to draw a conclusion. On the one hand, when the world is lost its animals and plants, the number of visitors to zoos and admirers of the plants may abruptly decrease. Since, those kinds of places are one of the main income stream for mysterious countries. To illustrate, approximately 85%of people spend their leisure for going zoos, it seems that safe the beasts may play a big role for the authority and humans' daily life. Additionally, disappearance of plants will be a considerable reason for another aftermath. To be more precise, if plants are not germinated around the earth, drought will appear and after that every country's economy will face vast deprivation. On the other hand, proponents say that other important problems might be found besides loss the animals and vegetables. That is to say, air pollution will come as the most dangerous risk to us. Because, person could not without oxygen more than 15seconds, likewise, whether man inhales harmful air, that person may make worse disease and it will negative influence for its future career. Secondly-and very importanly- people who lives near the forest or ocean may hurt from climate change. Out of this, people have fearing during their life. The main conclusion to be drawn is that, though, many people think losing the amount of animals and plants is the strongest environmental problem. Nonetheless, for my part, different climate change and air pollution are shown as the most important problems in our modernizing era.
At a time in which environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are our top priority, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that blighting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
is the most critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in our modernizing era.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
others say
differently
: there are a multitude of vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
besides
damaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. In this essay, I will give both arguments of the supporters and try to draw a conclusion.

On the one hand, when the world
is lost
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
, the number of visitors to zoos and admirers of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
may
abruptly
decrease. Since, those kinds of places are one of the main income stream for mysterious countries. To illustrate, approximately 85%of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their leisure for going zoos, it seems that safe the beasts may play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role for the authority and humans' daily life.
Additionally
, disappearance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
will be a considerable reason for another aftermath. To be more precise, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
are not germinated around the earth, drought will appear and after that every country's economy will face vast deprivation.

On the other hand
, proponents say that other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
might
be found
besides
loss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and vegetables.
That is
to say, air pollution will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
as the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, person could not without oxygen more than 15seconds,
likewise
, whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
inhales harmful air, that person may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
worse
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
disease and
it will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence for its future career.
Secondly
-and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Possible spelling mistake found.
importanly
-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean “live”? Alternatively, check whether the singular of ‘people’ should be used.
lives
near the forest or ocean may hurt from climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. Out of this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have fearing during their life.

The main conclusion to
be drawn
is that, though,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
losing the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plants
is the strongest environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. Nonetheless, for my part,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and air pollution
are shown
as the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in our modernizing era.
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IELTS essay Some people think that saving animals and plants is much important than others.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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