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Some people think that professional workers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree?

Some people think that professional workers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. b3WPB
It is widely believed that employees having specific expertise should be given a higher salary compared to athletes and artists. I tend to have different point of view regarding this case after considering work load, risks and outcome in all sectors. To begin with, It is undeniable both entertainments and sports workers should give their best performance to attain their success. They should take a risk and invest in their future for accomplishing their goals in these paths. Thus, obtaining a higher salary compared to workers in another sectors would be highly reasonable. Another consideration is their contribution to the country. By being famous and obtaining achievements in their sectors, athletes and artists would stand in the high stage and give a pride to their nation. National flag and anthem of some countries, for example, would be shown if they obtain the highest rank in certain tournament. I do appreciate some people saying that professional workers should be paid more as they have contributed to the country in the top priority sectors. However, never do I think that their salary should be higher than the others. Even though it is essential, I believe that everyone has worked in their proportion as their contribution. In conclusion, even though people who work in entertainment and sport sectors seem to have easy tasks than individuals who play a role as a professional in a special field, I believe that professional worker should not be paid more than the athletes and artists since they have equal work load and risks in their jobs.
It is
widely
believed that employees having specific expertise should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a higher salary compared to athletes and artists. I tend to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view regarding this case after considering work load,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and outcome in all sectors.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, It is undeniable both entertainments and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should give their best performance to attain their success. They should take a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and invest in their future for accomplishing their goals in these paths.
Thus
, obtaining a higher salary compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
would be
highly
reasonable. Another consideration is their contribution to the country. By being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and obtaining achievements in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
, athletes and artists would stand in the high stage and give a pride to their nation. National flag and anthem of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
for example
, would
be shown
if they obtain the highest rank in certain tournament.

I do appreciate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
saying that professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should
be paid
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
they have contributed to the country in the top priority
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
However
, never do I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their salary should be higher than the others.
Even though
it is essential, I believe that everyone has worked in their proportion as their contribution.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who work in entertainment and sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
seem to have easy tasks than individuals who play a role as a professional in a special field, I believe that professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
should not
be paid
more than the athletes and artists since they have equal work load and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in their jobs.
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IELTS essay Some people think that professional workers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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