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Advantage and disadvantage of multiculturalism

Advantage and disadvantage of multiculturalism K3kJ3
Thanks to more widely open policies in economy and immigration of many countries, the 21st century has witnessed the surprisingly increasing formation of multicultural societies where a varying number of ethnic people stay together. It is my firm belief that the benefits of multiculturalism are more substantial than its drawbacks That said, there are a few disadvantages that should be addressed. Above all, discrimination would have been the main issue. Some groups of people feel that their races are the most superior one, therefore they would underestimate certain kinds of races. It causes annoyance for everyone. For example, 2 years ago, there were protests against racist people in America and some people were harmed because the protesters resisted the police. Secondly, there is always a debate about religious activities. Some groups might have extreme faith in their religions and would annoy other believers. One of the classic examples would be the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused so many casualties. Despite the aforementioned drawbacks I would argue that the merits of multiculturalism are far greater than its demerits. First and foremost, multicultural societies make the city becomes alive and fascinating, as some sides of the city shown Asiatic cultures, while on the other side it shows Western civilizations. This situation makes the city becomes unique and would attract tourists from many parts of the world. As a result, it will boost the tourism industry, create a lot of employments and generate income tax for the governments. Another potential advantage is that people who live in a multi-cultural society have a better understanding of different cultures, religions, and lifestyles. This exposure makes them more tolerate, and they are less likely to get involved in social chaos and fights between tribes. Thus, a multi-cultural society in a country teaches people to respect different religions, traditions and beliefs Having considered a range of arguments, I have drawn the conclusion that although there are some disadvantages of multiculturalism, such as racism and religious discrimination, I believe that they are outweighed by the benefits it brings to the beauty of city and people’s understanding.
Thanks to more
widely
open policies in economy and immigration of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the 21st century has witnessed the
surprisingly
increasing formation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
where a varying number of ethnic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stay together. It is my firm belief that the benefits of multiculturalism are more substantial than its drawbacks

That said, there are a few disadvantages that should
be addressed
.
Above all
, discrimination would have been the main issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that their races are the most superior one,
therefore
they would underestimate certain kinds of races. It causes annoyance for everyone.
For example
, 2 years ago, there were protests against racist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in America and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were harmed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the protesters resisted the police.
Secondly
, there is always a debate about religious activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
groups might have extreme faith in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religions
and would annoy other believers. One of the classic examples would be the debate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religion
in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
casualties.

Despite the aforementioned drawbacks I would argue that the merits of multiculturalism are far greater than its demerits.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the city becomes alive and fascinating, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sides of the city shown Asiatic cultures, while on the other side it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Western civilizations. This situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the city becomes unique and would attract tourists from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world.
As a result
, it will boost the tourism industry, create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
employments and generate income tax for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
. Another potential advantage is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
have a better understanding of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religions
, and lifestyles. This exposure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more tolerate, and they are less likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in social chaos and fights between tribes.
Thus
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in a country teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to respect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religions
, traditions and beliefs

Having considered a range of arguments, I have drawn the conclusion that although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of multiculturalism, such as racism and religious discrimination, I believe that they
are outweighed
by the benefits it brings to the beauty of city and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
understanding.
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IELTS essay Advantage and disadvantage of multiculturalism

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
357 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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