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Some people think that people who 60 and more should retire and stop working

Some people think that people who 60 and more should retire and stop working RVM3Q
has been an issue of a heated debate whether people who reached retirement age ought to halt working or not. This essay totally agrees with that statement. I believe that ageing people must devote their time on relaxing and on their offspring. Aside from that elderlies’ health is weak that they prone to get ill, also, their remembering capacity is lower, therefore, it is hard to work them. First and foremost, it is compelling fact that various people aged 60 and over have health and mental problems such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure, lower eye-sight and memorizing. This means that they are not able to work hard and bear long time every day, due to that, they have to take their drugs on time and taking care their health. For instance, my grandfather used to work hardly during the whole days as a builder carrying heavy substances and participating to build a multi-story building because he enjoyed his job. However, after do not stopping working he complicated his diabetes and took hospital, also broke his leg. Since my grandfather halted his job, he has been taking care of his health. Also he wish he stopped the work. Furthermore, it is vital to relax after long-term work spending quality and fascinating time their children and grandchildren or travelling for people aged 60 and more. For the reason that their mind is tired. Thus, in my opinion they should get retired. Also, they need to be taked care by their children, due to that they are vulnerable as a child. For instance, I frequently meet and take care of my grandparents. They get exceptionally glad when I pay attention them. Therefore, they must not waste their less time by working. In conclusion, I hold the view that seniors looking after their health and spend quality time with their family instead of working. Even they work, they cannot perform it properly due to health issues and their states
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
has
been an issue of a heated debate whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who reached retirement age ought to halt working or not. This essay
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with that statement. I believe that
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
devote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on relaxing and on their offspring. Aside from that
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is weak that they prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ill,
also
, their remembering capacity is lower,
therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
them.

First
and foremost, it is compelling fact that various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 60 and over have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and mental problems such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure, lower eye-sight and memorizing. This means that they are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and bear long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
every day, due to that, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take their drugs on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
For instance
, my grandfather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
The adverb 'hardly' is usually put before the verb 'work'.
work hardly
during the whole days as a builder carrying heavy substances and participating to build a multi-story building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he enjoyed his job.
However
, after do not
After the auxiliary verb 'do', use the base form of a verb. Did you mean "stop"?
stopping
working he complicated his diabetes and took hospital,
also
broke his leg. Since my grandfather halted his job, he has been taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wishes", "wished".
wish
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
the work.

Furthermore
, it is vital to relax after long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
spending quality and fascinating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
their children and grandchildren or travelling for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 60 and more. For the reason that their mind
is tired
.
Thus
, in my opinion they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
retired.
Also
, they need to be
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "took", the past tense form of the verb 'take'?
taked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
by their children, due to that they are vulnerable as a child.
For instance
, I
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of my grandparents. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exceptionally
glad when I pay attention them.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not waste their less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by working.

In conclusion
, I hold the view that seniors looking after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and spend quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family
instead
of working. Even they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they cannot perform it
properly
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues and their
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
states
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IELTS essay Some people think that people who 60 and more should retire and stop working

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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