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Some people think that parents should limit the time their children watch TV and play computer games and encourage them to read books. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that parents should limit the time their children watch TV and play computer games and encourage them to read books. Da8MW
It is undeniable that technology has influenced many aspects of daily life, especially those related to entertainment, such as TV shows and video games. Parents are concerned about their children's media consumption, so they believe that limiting their children's exposure to appealing technology and encouraging them to pour over books is a good idea. This essay will give my own opinion, which is different so far from others' because I disagree with this statement. Firstly, catching up with technology is commonly done for the new generation, even though it is mostly done while watching TV or playing video games, which are part of the process of cognitive development for adolescents. As a result, parents should not prevent their children from learning in a new pattern via their generation of technology. The cases have demonstrated how youngsters get depressed by being separated from the media. They have an irrational desire to die; family is not a good comfort zone in which to spend time; and technology is only a tool. Secondly, the effective resolution is to support them, which is a better way. Do not oblige them. On the contrary, make an effort to understand why they are found watching television and playing video games, and support them by taking a course to train them to be an actor or actress. For games,  they are able to get a good job as an e-sport player and obtain a huge amount of money. As far as I am concerned, being obliging surely permits children to get depressed,  so parents ought to explain to them what they are not supposed to do,  either by copying the behavior of the soap opera on TV or by enjoying video games. Furthermore,  supporting them will also allow them to shape their potential and realize how valuable they are.
It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has influenced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of daily life,
especially
those related to entertainment, such as TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Parents
are concerned
about their children's media consumption,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they believe that limiting their children's exposure to appealing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and encouraging them to pour over books is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. This essay will give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far from others'
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I disagree with this statement.

Firstly
, catching up with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
commonly
done for the new generation,
even though
it is
mostly
done while watching TV or playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which are part of the process of cognitive development for adolescents.
As a result
, parents should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their children from learning in a new pattern via their generation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. The cases have demonstrated how youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depressed by
being separated
from the media. They have an irrational desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
; family is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
comfort zone in which to spend time; and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a tool.

Secondly
, the effective resolution is to support them, which is a better way. Do not oblige them.
On the contrary
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to understand why they
are found
watching television and playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and support them by taking a course to train them to be an actor or actress. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job as an e-sport player and obtain a huge amount of money.

As far as I
am concerned
, being obliging
surely
permits children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depressed,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
 parents ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
to them what they are not supposed to do,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
either by copying the behavior of the soap opera on TV or by enjoying video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Furthermore
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
supporting them will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to shape their potential and realize how valuable they are.
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IELTS essay Some people think that parents should limit the time their children watch TV and play computer games and encourage them to read books.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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