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Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. 8APV
Majority of people had a mentality that male species are born competitive than their female counterpart. Both gender has their own ways to compete with another human beings – It is merely physically evident through guy’s perspective than women. Throughout the history, Men tends to be strong to fight any battles that one might face in order to survive. They are natural hunter and protector of every clan that makes them very competitive to gather best food in the table. Over the years, It is well known that a male should be strong, competitive not only for themselves but to another fellow gender as well. With these urge to compete, there are many competitions that was created such as gladiator, chariot, sports, and wrestling, etc. Thus, champion emerge as the best among the rest but these are male gender only. On the other hand, women are kept in the house doing household chores, gatherer, and taking care of the welfare of the family. Men has the ego and pride to be better than anyone. This obsession with competing with people has something to do with validating to others that they are champion and no one will defeat them in their field. There are a lot of things to compete from one another, there is job, wife, power, and money. This way of thinking is quite catastrophic to anyone. Furthermore, it could lead to senseless fights, crimes, and worst is war. Meanwhile, female has pride and competitiveness as well. On the contrary, it is not as dominating as the male counterpart. Women tends to use hurtful words to show their pride and emotions rather than being physically to prove something. All in all, there are many evidences shown that male are more competitive than others. They live to compete with others as a game to prove they are winners. If they do not compete, they are not fulfilled in their lives. Men are more open to prove anything. While, female tends to avoid it most of the time. On the brighter note, it is healthy to compete with others, as long as it is handle with positive feedback and enthusiastic approach with no grudges.
Majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had a mentality that male species
are born
Use "(competitive)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
competitive
than their female counterpart. Both gender has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ways to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
with another human beings
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
It is
merely
physically
evident through guy’s perspective than women.

Throughout the history,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
tends to be strong to fight any battles that one might face in order to survive. They
Please check whether an article is missing: "are a natural" or "are an natural"
are natural
hunter and protector of every clan that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
to
A determiner is probably missing here: "gather the best".
gather best
food in the table. Over the years, It is well known that a male should be strong,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to another fellow gender
as well
. With these urge to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
competitions that
was created
such as gladiator, chariot, sports, and wrestling, etc.
Thus
, champion emerge as the best among the rest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these are male gender
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, women are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
doing household chores, gatherer, and taking care of the welfare of the family.

Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "man has".
Men has
the ego and pride to be better than anyone. This obsession with competing with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
something to do with validating to others that they are champion and no one will defeat them in their field. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
from one another, there is job, wife, power, and money. This way of thinking is quite catastrophic to anyone.
Furthermore
, it could lead to senseless fights, crimes, and worst is war. Meanwhile, female has pride and competitiveness
as well
.
On the contrary
, it is not as dominating as the male counterpart.
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "woman tends".
Women tends
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
hurtful words to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their pride and emotions
rather
than being
physically
to prove something.

All in all, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
evidences shown that male are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than others. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
with others as a game to prove they are winners. If they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
, they are not fulfilled in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
are more open to prove anything.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, female tends to avoid it most of the time. On the brighter note, it is healthy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
compete
with others, as long as it is
Consider using a past participle here: "handled".
handle
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
feedback and enthusiastic approach with no grudges.

IELTS essay Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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