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Some people think that government should give money to creative people, such as artists and musicians, To what extent do you agree?

Some people think that government should give money to creative people, such as artists and musicians, AkNM
In modern world many of creative people require a financial supporting from state's founds. Many humans have opinion, that authorities should provide sponsoring of artists, musicians or other creative people and I support this tendency. However, as for me, government should give money not only creative people, they should support sportsmen too. Firstly, a lot of talented and creative personality are poor and they was born in poor families, which have not ability to give them money for living or buy equipment. Many of those people have a hug talent and desires to live better, so they have motivation to create remarkable object or make new sport's record or win gold medal in some events. All of them will work hard and they will go to those dreams step by step and government should provide financial supporting of them, since they present their country in the international arena and when, for example, sportsman win championship he increase the prestige of the country, which he represent. Secondly, creative persons make our life remarkable and particoloured, furthermore they create many interesting art objects, which are placed on the state area, both, people and objects, invite foreign tourists. The foreign tourists bring many benefits to country's budget, as they spend their money inside the country and they help to create new work opportunity for citizens of this State. In conclusion, all of creative persons capable to increase prestige of their country. They all represent State, which was born and they directly influence to benefits for all citizens of this country.
In modern world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
require a financial supporting from state's founds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
humans have opinion, that authorities should provide sponsoring of artists, musicians or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and I support this tendency.
However
, as for me,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should give money not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they should support sportsmen too.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
talented and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
personality are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
poor and
they
Use third-person plural verb with 'they': "are", "were".
was
born in poor families, which have not ability to give them money for living or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
equipment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a hug talent and desires to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
better,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have motivation to create remarkable object or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new sport's record or win gold medal in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. All of them will work
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hard and
they will go to those dreams step by step and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide financial supporting of them, since they present their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in the international arena and when,
for example
, sportsman win championship he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "increases", "increased".
increase
the prestige of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, which he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "represents", "represented".
represent
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our life remarkable and
Possible spelling mistake found.
particoloured
,
furthermore
they create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
interesting art objects, which
are placed
on the state area, both,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and objects, invite foreign tourists. The foreign tourists bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to country's budget, as they spend their money inside the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
country and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to create new work opportunity for citizens of this State.

In conclusion
, all of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
persons capable to increase prestige of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. They all represent State, which was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
born and
they
directly
influence to benefits for all citizens of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that government should give money to creative people, such as artists and musicians,

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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