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Some people think that family life and parents have great influences on children's development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life, discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that family life and parents have great influences on children's development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life, d6Pp
When the topic is children's development is discussed. There are divided opinions. Some are of the notion that, children can progress better; if they live with their family members and parents, whereas others claim that, outdoor and social activities play a crucial role for their life. Therefore ahead of my opinion, both views would be discussed in ensuring paragraphs. Discussing the former opinion, the supporters explain that, parents and family are the first teacher for any children. children can learn their native cultural and traditional activities. Also, the children spend most of the time with their family and because of that, it impacts on their behavior. For instance, children learn how to behave in front of their relatives and how to handle the critical situations in absent of their parents. Moreover, living with family and parents also support in child's academic career and due to that, it is responsible for their good grades in examinations. On the contrary, the proponents of the latter view suggest that, there are many external sources, which help to develop children's life. Firstly, schools provides better knowledge and educate them as an academically and socially. Children make friends, which relationship develops them socially. Secondly, if children watch movies and motivational videos, they become more knowledgeable. It is also helps to improve their imagination level for the entire world. Furthermore, scientists confirm that external environment has a deep impact on their mind. Recent survey suggests that, there are many experiments have been conducted to prove this, children become more active among their lifestyle due to the external productive sources. To conclude and offer my position, I support that both influences from parents and external sources are equally important for the well development children. As well as, child become good in their attitude because of their family, while external factors help to make children more social in the future.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
the topic is children's development
is discussed
. There
are divided
opinions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are of the notion that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can progress better; if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, whereas others claim that, outdoor and social activities play a crucial role for their life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
ahead of my opinion, both views would
be discussed
in ensuring paragraphs.

Discussing the former opinion, the supporters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are the
first
teacher for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
can learn their native cultural and traditional activities.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of the time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, it impacts on their behavior.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn how to behave in front of their relatives and how to handle the critical situations in absent of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Moreover
, living with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
support in child's academic career and due to that, it is responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades in examinations.

On the contrary
, the proponents of the latter view suggest that, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
sources, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop children's life.
Firstly
, schools provides better knowledge and educate them as an
academically
and
socially
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends, which relationship develops them
socially
.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
movies and motivational videos, they become more knowledgeable. It is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their imagination level for the entire world.
Furthermore
, scientists confirm that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
environment has a deep impact on their mind. Recent survey suggests that, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experiments have
been conducted
to prove this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become more active among their lifestyle due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
productive sources.

To conclude
and offer my position, I support that both influences from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
sources are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the well development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As well
as, child become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in their attitude
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
factors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more social in the future.
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IELTS essay Some people think that family life and parents have great influences on children's development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life,

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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