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Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school why others think it is a waste of time.discuss the both sides and give your opinion.

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school why others think it is a waste of time. discuss the both sides and give your opinion. pRXlm
A group of people think that art is an necessary subject for children at school is because arts subjects help to develop critical thinking and the ability to interpret the world around us. It is thought my handful of people that art education at school is a waste of time. By contrast, studying arts does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to see that most artists have been struggling to make a living from selling their work of art these days. Despite the above arguments, from my perspective learning art is necessary for students at school, especially young children, should learn in order to help promote their creativity and imagination. However I also believe that practicing art provides a medium through which they can express their emotions and feelings.
A group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
necessary subject for children at school is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop critical thinking and the ability to interpret the world around us.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
my handful of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
education at school is a waste of time. By contrast, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
does not lead to a successful career. It is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that most artists have been struggling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living from selling their work of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
these days.

Despite the above arguments, from my perspective learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is necessary for students at school,
especially
young children, should learn in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
promote their creativity and imagination.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
I
also
believe that practicing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
provides a medium through which they can express their emotions and feelings.
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IELTS essay Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school why others think it is a waste of time. discuss the both sides and give your opinion.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
132 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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