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Do you agree or disagree ?Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would be benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole .

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would be benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. NrMXj
Opinions are divided as to whether or not many young people should work without payment to assist the local society in their spare time. This can be beneficial both individuals and community. I disagree with this statement due to the fact that they should study more rather than being engaged in other activities. It will be dissected in the further essay. There are several reasons not to be forced to find a job that does not have payment. Firstly, they should be encouraged more to focus effort on improving their knowledge than attracting to unpaid works in society. It is considered a vital element owing to the fact they are the younger generation. That is why it is better for them prioritize higher education. As a result, they can accompany to improve their homeland. Secondly, hard works in society can be detrimental to the health of youngers owing to the fact that they do not physically strong enough at school age. As an example, one of my classmates always would assist to community works. As a result, his health problem arose. He is still suffering from it. Moreover, any unpaid job cannot encourage children to work hard due to the fact that this is not profitable to their families and themselves. That is why this may not lead to the satisfaction of society. For example, in my country all pupils were sent to pick cotton every fall. But several students were able to meet the limit set in the cotton harvest. So that the government ruled that schoolchildren must not be involved in public affairs. In conclusion, although majority of people believe that children should help to locals in their leisure time to do community works, I do not agree with this statement. Since, neither the individual child nor the public can benefit from this. That since why they should concentrate on their studies, not work in unpaid jobs.
Opinions
are divided
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without payment to assist the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in their spare time. This can be beneficial both individuals and community. I disagree with this statement due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that they should study more
rather
than
being engaged
in other activities. It will
be dissected
in the
further
essay.

There are several reasons not to
be forced
to find a job that does not have payment.
Firstly
, they should
be encouraged
more to focus effort on improving their knowledge than attracting to unpaid works in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. It
is considered
a vital element owing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
they are the younger generation.
That is
why it is better for them prioritize higher education.
As a result
, they can accompany to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their homeland.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
works in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can be detrimental to the health of
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers owing
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that they do not
physically
strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
at school age. As an example, one of my classmates
The adverb 'always' is usually put between 'would' and 'assist'.
always would assist
to community works.
As a result
, his health problem arose. He is
still
suffering from it.

Moreover
, any unpaid job cannot encourage children to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that this is not profitable to their families and themselves.
That is
why this may not lead to the satisfaction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For example
, in my country all pupils were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to pick cotton every fall.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
several students were able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the limit set in the cotton harvest.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ruled that schoolchildren
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be involved
in public affairs.

In conclusion
, although
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to locals in their leisure time to do community works, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. Since, neither the individual child nor the public can benefit from this. That since why they should concentrate on their studies, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in unpaid jobs.
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IELTS essay Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would be benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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