Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think it is better for children to grown up in the city, while others think that life in the countryside is more suitable for them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both places. v.5

Some people think it is better for children to grown up in the city, while others think that life in the countryside is more suitable for them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both places. v. 5
It is true that kids born and brought up in the urban areas have more exposure to each and every aspect of existence. However, some people are discussing that kids born and brought up in remote, live a happy and healthier life. In this essay, I will elaborate advantages and disadvantages of both sides. First of all, the children born in metro cities have more facilities in terms of health, education and transport. Many schools educate students by using the international education techniques, as a result of which, the students are able to participate in national and international competitions. Secondly, in metro cities, both parents are working because of which child becomes independent at a very early age and took his/her decision wisely. On the other hand, remote life offered many benefits to kids. Firstly, they get clean air to breathe and water to drink. Social networking is more in villages as compared to urban areas. Child have to walk to school, which is mostly one or two km away because of less or no transport available, because of which they remain healthier for longer existence. Secondly, there are lots of open spaces in villages where they play any types of sport after school. On the downside, because of the busy living in cities, parents usually spent less time with the child, which leads them to a sense of isolation and they get addicted to smoking and drinking. Furthermore, because of the increasing crime rate in cities, most of the children prefer to remain indoor only, which further introduces health problems because of no physical activity. On the downside, there are some disadvantages of countryside living. Because of less facilities in villages, child who needs emergency or critical care often dies on way to metro cities. Secondly, due to less commuting facilities, lots of time is wasted waiting for the bus or other means of commuting. To conclude, both urban and remote lives provide many benefits to the children, but in this fast paced life, it is the need of the hour to grow children in cities.
It is true that kids born and brought up in the urban areas have more exposure to each and every aspect of existence.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are discussing that kids born and brought up in remote,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy and healthier life. In this essay, I will elaborate advantages and disadvantages of both sides.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
born in metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have more facilities in terms of health, education and transport.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
schools educate students by using the international education techniques,
as a result
of which, the students are able to participate in national and international competitions.
Secondly
, in metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, both parents are working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
becomes independent at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early age and took his/her decision
wisely
.

On the other hand
, remote life offered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to kids.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
clean air to breathe and water to drink. Social networking is more in villages as compared to urban areas.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Child
The singular proper name 'Child' must be used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
to walk to school, which is
mostly
one or two km away
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
or no transport available,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which they remain healthier for longer existence.
Secondly
, there are lots of open spaces in villages where they play any types of sport after school.

On the downside,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the busy living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, parents
usually
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, which leads them to a sense of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
isolation and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to smoking and drinking.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the increasing crime rate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer to remain indoor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, which
further
introduces health problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of no physical activity.

On the downside, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of countryside living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun facilities is countable.
less
facilities in villages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who needs emergency or critical care
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
on way to metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Secondly
, due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
commuting facilities, lots of time
is wasted
waiting for the bus or other means of commuting.

To conclude
, both urban and remote
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
paced life, it is the need of the hour to grow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is better for children to grown up in the city, while others think that life in the countryside is more suitable for them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both places. v. 5

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
347 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts