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some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. with the statement? O1wG
A plethora of people believe that for teaching young generation should be healthy and fit these days while others demands that this is not the responsibility of schools. From my point of view, i completely agree if school is the best place for children to acquire about health and fitness. To begin with, pupils spend their great time at school with an abundance of facilities. The average school day in Indonesian is between seven and eight hours a day starts from early morning. Children must be exhausted after their class is over. Therefore, schools should take this responsibility and fulfill it. Additionally, raising teenager’s awareness of the significance of being healthy at school enables them to develop some beneficial habits that will reward them later on in the future. However, parents are also a motivator for juveniles because parents are the first teacher of children’s life and they must be a great role model for their children. For instance, my parents are always doing an exercise on every weekend to stay healthy and as a result, i took an example from them and having a healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, in some cases, parents spend almost their entire day at work. They do not have a leeway to teach healthiness to their children. To recapitulate, i earnestly believe that healthy habits should be taught at schools because it is very pivotal for juveniles. School teachers must be uplifting the children to be healthy. Nevertheless, parents also should bolster their children to be healthy.
A plethora of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that for teaching young generation should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and fit these days while others demands that this is not the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. From my point of view,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the best place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to acquire about health and fitness.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, pupils spend their great time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
with an abundance of facilities. The average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day in Indonesian is between seven and eight hours a day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
from early morning.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be exhausted
after their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
is over.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should take this responsibility and fulfill it.
Additionally
, raising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
’s awareness of the significance of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
enables them to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
beneficial habits that will reward them later on in the future.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
also
a motivator for juveniles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teacher of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a great role model for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are always doing an exercise on every weekend to stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and
as a result
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
took an example from them and having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle. Unfortunately, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
spend almost their entire day at work. They do not have a leeway to teach healthiness to their children.

To recapitulate,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
earnestly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits should
be taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
pivotal for juveniles.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be uplifting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
should bolster their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
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IELTS essay some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. with the statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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