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some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Other say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves in their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Other say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves in their own. 10YG
A number of people believe that the father and mother ought to influence their children to do the same activity with an organized group in their lazier time. However, some believe that children should spend their time on their own away. Since both point of view has some advantages and disadvantages so I will discuss both points of view and give my own opinion. On the one hand, group activity is a great way to develop children brain and body. If children join any organized group then children will learn many good habits, which are really great for their future life. For example, in group activities children can learn cooperativeness, helpful, and different useful skills. When children attend any organized group then they always under some of the experienced supervisors who teach them various different activities. Also, sometimes parents unable to give time to their children so group activity can be a good alternative for those children. On the other hand, if children spend their lazier time on their own away, they can do many different activities which are developing their intellectual thinking. For example, when children’s friend can’t spend time with them then children can spend time to read a book or painting so they can gather lots of knowledge. However, it is rarely possible to do something good for children. Every child needs some instruction to do something, at time point if parents can’t spend time with them then children can watch TV or play the video game, which is impact bad effect on them. In conclusion, although spending time in their own away has some advantages but it has some risk that children can spend their time in the wrong way. So, if it is possible that children can join any organized group then it will not only develop their brain and body but also it helps their future life successful.
A number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the father and mother ought to influence their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
with an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in their lazier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
away. Since both point of view has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages and disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I will discuss both points of view and give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is a great way to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
brain and body. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits, which are
really
great for their future life.
For example
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn cooperativeness, helpful, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
attend any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
then they always under
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
experienced supervisors who teach them various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
parents unable to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
alternative for those children.

On the other hand
, if
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children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their lazier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
away, they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which are developing their intellectual thinking.
For example
, when
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children’s
friend can’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to read a book or painting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can gather lots of knowledge.
However
, it is rarely possible to do something
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Every child needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
instruction to do something, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
point if parents can’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or play the video game, which is impact
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on them.

In conclusion
, although spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
away has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if it is possible that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
then it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
develop their brain and body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
their future life successful.
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IELTS essay some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Other say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves in their own.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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