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Some people say smoking should be banned on public places. To what extent do u agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say smoking should be banned on public places. v. 2
There is no doubt that smoking is injurious to health. While one can argue that, it is someone's choice to smoke, I completely agree that people should be careful who are they smoking in front of, and it should be prohibited in public areas. Firstly, if there are children present in common areas such as parks and malls, smoking can do damage. This is because their lungs and brain are in the developing stage, and should not come in contact with any pollutant. In addition, It is possible a kid might pick up the habit after watching someone do it. For instance, if a child's parents smoke, they are at a greater risk of becoming smokers later in life. The possible solution to this would be, to ban it in all public spots, especially when kids are present. Secondly, people get influenced easily by any bad habit. If we see anyone of status and power performing it, we are more likely to repeat it. For example, usually young individuals start smoking in their teenage, due to the fact that, they saw one of their friends do it. Furthermore, one more factor is, peer pressure in the office environment. If you saw your boos smoking, you feel the social pressure and start doing the same to impress them. Adults should realise that, they might be a role model to someone, and it is their responsibility to behave appropriately. To conclude, smoking kills more people than air pollution, or any other type of pollution. Unless strict rules are made with regards to public smoking, this problem will only escalate. I feel, it should be a combined effort of individuals and governments, to take responsibility, and educate children about this in order to spread awareness.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is injurious to health. While one can argue that, it is someone's choice to smoke, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should be careful who are they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in front of, and it should
be prohibited
in public areas.

Firstly
, if there are children present in common areas such as parks and malls,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
can do damage. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their lungs and brain are in the developing stage, and should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in contact with any pollutant.
In addition
, It is possible a kid might pick up the habit after watching someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
it.
For instance
, if a child's parents smoke, they are at a greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of becoming smokers later in life. The possible solution to this would be, to ban it in all public spots,
especially
when kids are present.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced
easily
by any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
anyone of status and power performing it, we are more likely to repeat it.
For example
,
usually
young individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in their teenage, due to the fact that, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
one of their friends do it.
Furthermore
, one more factor is, peer pressure in the office environment. If you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
your boos
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, you feel the social pressure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing the same to impress them. Adults should
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that, they might be a role model to someone, and it is their responsibility to behave
appropriately
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
kills more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
than air pollution, or any other type of pollution. Unless strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
are made
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, this problem will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
escalate. I feel, it should be a combined effort of individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, to take responsibility, and educate children about this in order to spread awareness.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people say smoking should be banned on public places. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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