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some people regard their wage as the most important factor when it comes to deciding what occupation they should choose

some people regard their wage as the most important factor when it comes to deciding what occupation they should choose 0Aldn
Nowadays, some people regard their wages as the most important factor when it comes to deciding what occupation they should choose. From my perspective, I believe that not only should people pay attention to how much they are paid for the work, but also take other crucial aspects of the job into account. On the one hand, the main incentive for people to choose a career is to earn money and make a living and the salary are directly linked to your material aspect of life. The wage is the determinant of what kind of house you live in, what kind of car you drive as well as what kind of life you have. In addition, it decides what can you provide to your kids such as entertainment, good furniture and access to top tier universities and cutting-edge technology to foster new skills and border their horizons. Further, many people might consider the fact that they need to have enough money so they can redistribute some of the money to support their retired parents or save up their wealth in case of an emergency. However, in economic terms, there is a concept called the non-wage factor, which includes components of jobs like welfare, such as regular health checks, job security, which is a measure of the probability of losing your job, holidays and working conditions. In addition, applicants should also consider geographical immobility, which is a situation where you are too far from your workplace, and occupational immobility, which stands for a situation where you don’t have the essential skill and ability to be employed. Needless to say, these factors should be put into consideration too. Moreover, in an idealistic situation, we want our profession to be something we can devote to with passion and enjoy for the rest of our lives. Besides, everyone should think about their dreams and ambitions in order to develop the career which suits them best. To conclude, there is plenty to consider about choosing your occupation and I urge you to think twice before make the final decision.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regard their wages as the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to deciding what occupation they should choose. From my perspective, I believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay attention to how much they
are paid
for the work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
take other crucial aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
into account.

On the one hand, the main incentive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to choose a career is to earn money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living and the salary are
directly
linked to your material aspect of life. The wage is the determinant of what kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in, what kind of car you drive
as well
as what kind of life you have.
In addition
, it decides what can you provide to your kids such as entertainment,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
furniture and access to top tier universities and cutting-edge technology to foster new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and border their horizons.
Further
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might consider the fact that they need to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can redistribute
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
money to support their retired parents or save up their wealth in case of an emergency.

However
, in economic terms, there is a concept called the non-wage factor, which includes components of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
like welfare, such as regular health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security, which is a measure of the probability of losing your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, holidays and working conditions.
In addition
, applicants should
also
consider geographical immobility, which is a situation where you are too far from your workplace, and occupational immobility, which stands for a situation where you don’t have the essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and ability to
be employed
. Needless to say, these factors should
be put
into consideration too.
Moreover
, in an idealistic situation, we want our profession to be something we can devote to with passion and enjoy for the rest of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Besides
, everyone should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their dreams and ambitions in order to develop the career which suits them best.

To conclude
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
to
Did you mean simply "consider choosing"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about choosing
your occupation and I urge you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the final decision.
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IELTS essay some people regard their wage as the most important factor when it comes to deciding what occupation they should choose

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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