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Some people prefer to be self-employed, whereas others like working for companies or institutions. Which is a better approach?

Some people prefer to be self-employed, whereas others like working for companies or institutions. Which is a better approach? 3mdn
it is often argued, self–employment is prefered by a stratum of people to work while others believe that companies and institutions are better than self-business. I think that self-employment is a best option for working and I will describe my view points below in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, one of the major benefits of installing self business is the flexibility in work. Since the person can work according to his timings and availability. Moreover, private business which is operated by self, can give more money than jobs. For example, a doctor can earn a sum of money by installing own hospital whereas a private or government hospital offers only fix amount of money to them. Apart from it, self-employment not only gives freedom of work to the individuals but also it makes them confident. Furthermore, own business is extremely reliant as the person can take own decision without any interference. In addition to it, pay scale is self decided by the individuals because if they want to earn more then they have to work more. Moreover, the people can be popularized by their own works. For instance, a number of people are famous in various countries because of their products. Least but not last, the person can run their business in their upcoming families. To conclude, although the jobs in companies are also good however, own business is the only option in which a person can work independently. Therefore, being self-employed is extremely fulfilling and hence lots of people prefer to do so.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued, self–employment is
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "preferred", the past tense form of the verb 'prefer'?
prefered
by a stratum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while others believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and institutions are better than self-business. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that self-employment is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best option for working and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
my view points below in the subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the major benefits of installing self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is the flexibility in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
according to his timings and availability.
Moreover
, private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
which
is operated
by self, can give more money than jobs.
For example
, a doctor can earn a sum of money by installing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hospital whereas a private or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
hospital offers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
amount of money to them. Apart from it, self-employment not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gives freedom of
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work
to the individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them confident.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is
extremely
reliant as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision without any interference.
In addition
to it, pay scale is self decided by the individuals
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because
if they want to earn more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be popularized
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
works.
For instance
, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
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famous
in various countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their products. Least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not last, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can run their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
in their upcoming families.

To conclude
, although the jobs in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
option in which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
independently
.
Therefore
, being self-employed is
extremely
fulfilling and
hence
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
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IELTS essay Some people prefer to be self-employed, whereas others like working for companies or institutions. Which is a better approach?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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