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Some people have argued that video games are a waste of time, and other people should spend their time and money on better hobbies.

Some people have argued that video games are a waste of time, and other people should spend their time and money on better hobbies. e5Jg7
Many people argued that video games are a waste of time and believe that people should spend their free time and money on other hobbies. Nowadays, playing video game is very popular especially among the young generation. Some of the young people are addicted to video games and they can’t live one day without playing on their playstation. Always it is a benefit to have a hobby and to do what you like, but it can be a bad habit. For example, playing video games can help you for acquisition of new skill like learning a foreign language because most of the games are created in other countries and you can learn a lot of vocabulary. Another reason is that when you play, you can develop quick reactions. Third reason is you can interact with others if you play in a team and make new virtual friends. On the other hand, if you play all day video games you sit down and it is not good for well-being. Better hobby would be riding a bike, because it provides to you fresh air and is good to spend your energy somewhere in the nature. You can relax and develop your muscles. It can make you fit whereas staying home and playing video games can make you obesity. Another reason is you can learn better co-ordination and makes your immune system better. To sum up, the two benefits can give you some good effects and has advantages but obviously it would be better if your hobby is riding a bike or doing another sport. In my experience, riding a bike is better solution because it has more advantages and it is good for your health and when you are feeling good you can do everything what you want and I am of the opinion that it better if you go to the park in sunny day than staying home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argued that
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video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are a waste of time and believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should spend their free time and money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hobbies.

Nowadays,
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular
especially
among the young generation.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
one day without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
on their
Possible spelling mistake found.
playstation
.
The adverb 'Always' is usually not used at the beginning of a sentence.
Always
it is a benefit to have a hobby and to do what you like,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit.
For example
,
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you for acquisition of new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
like learning a foreign language
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the
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games
are created
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries and you can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
vocabulary. Another reason is that when you play, you can develop quick reactions. Third reason is you can interact with others if you play in a team and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new virtual friends.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if you play all day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
you sit down and it is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for well-being.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Better
hobby would be riding a bike,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it provides to you fresh air and is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
to spend your energy somewhere in the nature. You can relax and develop your muscles. It can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you fit whereas staying home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you obesity. Another reason is you can learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
co-ordination and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
your immune system better.

To sum up, the two benefits can give you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
effects and has advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
obviously
it would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
if your hobby is riding a bike or doing another sport. In my experience, riding a bike is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
solution
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has more advantages and it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
for your health and when you are feeling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
you can do everything what you
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
want and
I am of the opinion that it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
if you go to the park in sunny day than staying home.
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IELTS essay Some people have argued that video games are a waste of time, and other people should spend their time and money on better hobbies.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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