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Some people feel that robots are very important to humans’ future development while others think they are dangerous and have negative effects on the society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people feel that robots are very important to humans’ future development while others think they are dangerous and have negative effects on the society. v. 1
By a simple surfing on the internet and searching about people who do not have any high level educational degrees, but have been making a lot of money, or are really successful in their careers, you will face to hundreds of names, like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and so many others. However, there are a lot of examples which show educated ones have not had such an improvement in their business. So, there must be some points in them that can indicate why those people are more successful. Maybe, at the first look, some reasons just glance like chance, help, be familiar with someone who knows the improving way. But when you watch the documentaries on their life or investigate about their achievement, it becomes clear that these are not enough to reach those goals. Moreover, some of them even did not grow up in a well-known family. And they made their own life, even without any paternal help. So, obviously they have something in their self, which makes their soul more powerful and their mind more creative to face with troubles. Those people are enterprising and innovative. They recognized a lack of something in the human growth, or what improvements are needed in their period, and make something which is practical and help humanity to have more convenient life. They spurred to make their passion become a real part of the activities. So that is why, we call them persuasive people. Also, they are the sort of people that try to expand their job and even invent some new fields for it. Altogether, by an intelligent look on some well-known scientific or job inventories, it is observable that even though some of them have not had any educational degrees which can help them to be succeed, they accomplished their goals. Therefore, there must be some points, which make them distinct, that are being creative, hardworking, pretty confident to deal with problems, and never feel fear to do something new.
By a simple surfing on the internet and searching about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have any high level educational degrees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have been making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money, or are
really
successful in their careers, you will face to hundreds of names, like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
examples which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
educated ones have not had such an improvement in their business.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points in them that can indicate why those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more successful.

Maybe, at the
first
look,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
glance like chance,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
, be familiar with someone who knows the improving way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
when you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the documentaries on their life or investigate about their achievement, it becomes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that these are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to reach those goals.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them even did not grow up in a well-known family. And they made their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life, even without any paternal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
obviously
they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
in their self, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
their soul more powerful and their mind more creative to face with troubles. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enterprising and innovative. They recognized a lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
in the human growth, or what improvements
are needed
in their period, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
which is practical and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
humanity to have more convenient life. They spurred to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their passion become a real part of the activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that is
why, we call them persuasive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Also
, they are the sort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that try to expand their job and even invent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new fields for it.

Altogether, by an intelligent look on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
well-known scientific or job inventories, it is observable that
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have not had any educational degrees which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be
Consider using a past participle here: "succeeded".
succeed
, they accomplished their goals.
Therefore
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them distinct, that are being creative, hardworking, pretty confident to deal with problems, and never feel fear to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
new.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people feel that robots are very important to humans’ future development while others think they are dangerous and have negative effects on the society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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