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Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? Vq06
it is a belief by some section of society that people who entertain have been able to charge a hefty sum. In this essay, I will enunciate upon the ideas for my rationale and will ponder upon other professions that should have better pay. Firstly, its an individual's niche skill through which one entertains the world. The entertainer creates his own space in the respective field with his or her unique talent. The monopoly of anything with huge demand always has a premium value. For example, Micheal Jackson, one of the richest dancers, had his own style of dancing and because of, that he was always in demand for concerts. Secondly, performers work really hard since childhood to nurture their skills and invest all their life to reach the zenith. The time and efforts they invest in to succeed in life will eventually bring in fame and wealth. So, I opine with this line of thought that talent has no boundaries and deserving should be paid enough for his efforts. On the contrary, there are many other professions, in my opinion, that deserves more as compared to the present scenario. To begin with, the soldiers protecting the nation on the border, I feel, are deprived of the required fame and wealth. They are not paid enough salaries as compared to other industries. These people are always on the toes in a vivid situation where they can lose their life at any given point in time. Further, the workers who clean the surrounding every day are void of necessary respect and money. These are the ones who are doing odd jobs which many people will refrain from taking up. For instance, in a recent government survey, the majority of the crowd in the below poverty line are cleaners. In conclusion, undoubtedly, the folks with unique talent should be paid as per their demand and skill. However, I opine that another section of society who risk their life and doing odd jobs also deserve equal fame and prosperity in life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is a belief by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
section of society that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
entertain have been able to charge a hefty sum. In this essay, I will enunciate upon the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for my rationale and will ponder upon other professions that should have better pay.

Firstly
, its an individual's niche
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
through which one entertains the world. The entertainer creates his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
space in the respective field with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
unique talent. The monopoly of anything with huge demand always has a premium value.
For example
, Micheal Jackson, one of the richest dancers, had his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style of dancing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of, that he was always in demand for concerts.
Secondly
, performers work
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
since childhood to nurture their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and invest all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to reach the zenith. The time and efforts they invest in to succeed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will
eventually
bring in fame and wealth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I opine with this line of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that talent has no boundaries and deserving should
be paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for his efforts.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other professions, in my opinion, that deserves more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the present scenario. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the soldiers protecting the nation on the border, I feel,
are deprived
of the required fame and wealth. They are not paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
salaries as compared to other industries. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are always on the toes in a vivid situation where they can lose their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
at any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
point in time.
Further
, the workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
clean the surrounding every day are void of necessary respect and money. These are the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are doing odd jobs which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will refrain from taking up.
For instance
, in a recent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
survey, the majority of the crowd in the below poverty line are cleaners.

In conclusion
,
undoubtedly
, the folks with unique talent should
be paid
as per their demand and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
However
, I opine that another section of society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
and doing odd jobs
also
deserve equal fame and prosperity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
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IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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