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SOME PEOPLE DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE IN GAMES’ SPORTS OR COMPETITION v.1

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE IN GAMES’ SPORTS OR COMPETITION v. 1
In recent times, observations have been made about parents believing in restraining their children from participating in activities, sports and competitions, doing this keeps them away from the sense of loosing. On the contrary, some people prepare children from a young age to participate without the fear of losing or winning. In my opinion, for the first argument where people don't appreciate the participation without prizes could be out of fear of children to become depressed or lose its self-confidence. Generally, children tend to undermine themselves after a loss which leads to these conditions. Also, peer shamming adds on top of this. I also believe parents think it as a waste of time, to let children in participating in something where no achievement is given. They would think this time could be utilised somewhere productive. I favour parents who irrespective of the consequences, win or lose, encourage their children to participate in all activities. This allows children to explore multiple horizons and choose a field of interest to excel in. My inclination towards it also dates back to my own experiences, where I saw many failures in life, but due to my upbringing where I was taught to learn from my mistakes and failures helped me achieve my goals afterwards. Parents should motivate their offsprings and teach them about failures not being the end of the road. They should help them learn the art of analysing their failures and find ways to improve on them. To conclude, I believe if children in childhood learn to accept losing, simultaneously learn from it and then bounce back, it makes them prepared for the challenges that lie ahead in their life.
In recent times, observations have
been made
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believing in restraining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from participating in activities, sports and competitions, doing this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them away from the sense of loosing.
On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from a young age to participate without the fear of losing or winning.

In my opinion, for the
first
argument where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don't appreciate the participation without prizes could be out of fear of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become depressed or lose its self-confidence.
Generally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to undermine themselves after a loss which leads to these conditions.
Also
, peer shamming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
on top of this. I
also
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it as a waste of time, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in participating in
something where no achievement is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
. They would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this time could be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
somewhere productive.

I
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who irrespective of the consequences, win or lose, encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in all activities. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to explore multiple horizons and choose a field of interest to excel in. My inclination towards it
also
dates back to my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experiences, where I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
in life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to my upbringing where I
was taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from my mistakes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me achieve my goals afterwards.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should motivate their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
and teach them about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
not being the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the road. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the art of
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
and find ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
on them.

To conclude
, I believe if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to accept losing,
simultaneously
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
from it and then bounce back, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them prepared for the challenges that lie ahead in their life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay SOME PEOPLE DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO PARTICIPATE IN GAMES’ SPORTS OR COMPETITION v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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