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Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very less about famous people from the history in their own country. Why is this? How can more interest be created in young people to gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history? v.3

In today's Era, there has been great advancement observed in field of technology. Due to the fact getting any information has become much easier as compared to earlier time. Nowadays young people are more attracted towards international culture and they are much familiar with their famous personalities like pop or movie star. However, the significance of eminent personalities from history has been reduced. There are number of reasons for such type of partial attraction towards international stars. It is observed that the movies which are made in recent times are focusing more on entertainment purpose. In addition to this, there is significantly lesser focus of the students and faculties in their school on the subject like history. However, the student are not aware of historical events and the earlier freedom fighters. As a result, the young people tend to get attracted towards different famous personalities of recent time and forget famous people of history. It is important for every citizen of a country to have lucrative information regarding their historic freedom fighters and famous personality. One best ways of creating awareness or imparting knowledge regarding famous people of history are putting more emphasis on subjects related to history and in form of entertainment. For example, making movies which depicts historical events which create interest among people and making history subject compulsory during school days is also a prominent option. To conclude, there should be relevant information regarding famous people of history known to every citizen of that country. However, our history plays a very vital role in depicting our culture and it is important to be much aware about it.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's Era, there has been great advancement observed in field of technology. Due to the fact getting any information has become much easier
Comparison requires “than”, not ‘then’ nor ‘as’.
as
compared to earlier time. Nowadays young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more attracted towards international
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
culture and
they are much familiar with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
personalities like pop or movie star.
However
, the significance of eminent personalities from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

There are
It seems that an article is missing. Did you mean “a number of”?
number of
reasons for such type of partial attraction towards international stars. It
is observed
that the movies which
are made
in recent times are focusing more on entertainment purpose.
In addition
to this, there is
significantly
lesser focus of the students and faculties in their school on the subject like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
However
, the student are not aware of historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and the earlier freedom fighters.
As a result
, the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
personalities of recent time and forget
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of history.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for every citizen of a country to have lucrative information regarding their historic freedom fighters and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
. One best ways of creating awareness or imparting knowledge regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
are putting more emphasis on subjects related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and in form of entertainment.
For example
, making movies which depicts historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
which create interest among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
subject compulsory during school days is
also
a prominent option.

To conclude
, there should be relevant information regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
known to every citizen of that country.
However
, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
vital role in depicting our
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
culture and
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to be much aware about it.
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Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very less about famous people from the history in their own country. Why is this? How can more interest be created in young people lo gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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