Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

: Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

: Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. 2
Gender equality has been a heated debate in past few decades when advocates claim for woman’s rights in choosing a career in the police or the armed forces. There are value arguments on both sides which I will discuss now. On the one hand, there is no reason why females are not selected for a position in politics or the military. Firstly, in the modern world, women have the right to pursue any career which they are interested in, no matter they like being a politician or a soldier. With the multi-tasking mindset, the fair sex has proven they are the best at any jobs assigned to them. Theresa May, for example, the commendable Prime Minister of England, also named as the Steel Woman, shows to the world that she has been doing the great job to lead a European prosperous country. Secondly, the desk jobs in the states are more suitable for women than men because women are more patient and meticulous. These character traits are undeniable and ones of women’s potentials. However, some believe having a job in the political and military field is not for females for some certain extents. It is a common sense to admit that these jobs require endurance and physical strengths, which fit the man’s condition. Long hours of training or being sent abroad to a real battle is a part of the job’s requirements, and males are likely to be more suitable. Moreover, people argue that women tend to be more emotional and less decisive than men, therefore, the results could be misled. A wrong decision, especially in politics, is real threat not only for the country itself but also for the citizen’s life. As the result, it affects the selection for a job in a police department or military force. In conclusion, although women are free to choose a job they want, I am in favor of the idea that desk jobs are more suitable for women if they like to work for government in politics or military force.
Gender equality has been a heated debate in past few decades when advocates claim for woman’s rights in choosing a career in the police or the armed forces. There are value arguments on both sides which I will discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

On the one hand, there is no reason why females are not selected for a position in politics or the military.
Firstly
, in the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the right to pursue any career which they
are interested
in, no matter they like being a politician or a soldier. With the multi-tasking mindset, the
This expression can be considered offensive.
fair sex
has proven they are the best at any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
assigned to them. Theresa May,
for example
, the commendable Prime Minister of England,
also
named as the Steel Woman,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
to the world that she has been doing the great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to lead a European prosperous country.
Secondly
, the desk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the states are more suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more patient and meticulous. These character traits are undeniable and ones of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
potentials.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the political and military field is not for females for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain extents. It is a common sense to admit that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require endurance and physical strengths, which fit the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
’s condition. Long hours of training or being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
abroad to a real battle is a part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job’s
requirements, and males are likely to be more suitable.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tend to be more emotional and less decisive than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
therefore
, the results could
be misled
. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision,
especially
in politics, is real threat not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the country itself
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the citizen’s life. As the result, it affects the selection for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a police department or military force.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are free to choose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they want, I am in favor of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that desk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are more suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
if they like to work for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in politics or military force.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay : Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts