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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. RYOM
There is no doubt that the young generation is an asset for any country. While some people think that adolescents should take up community work for free in their pass time for the betterment of society, others feel the opposite. I am in the opinion with former view, that the unpaid service helps the teenagers in terms of realizing responsibilities and to explore various future aspects in terms of employment. By active participation in different projects going on in society enables this generation to develop a sense of responsibility. In other words, working for the community will make them aware of their society, and many would want to work for the betterment. For instance, School children in japan engage themselves in cleaning drives across the cities, where they pick all the trash from the ground. As a result, they feel a moral obligation of not littering their surroundings. Consequently, this practice turns the young people into sincere human-beings which is fruitful for both i. e. individual and the community. On a contrary, if these jobs are paid, they might not develop a sense of responsibility, and will often equate all the jobs with money. In addition to this, unpaid work also helps students to explore various different fields which might help them to decide their future careers. To exemplify, A young kid working for renovating the community park might develop an interest in gardening. This will also help them to develop potential interests and will give them better aspects later in life. However, if students start getting money for this work, instead of developing interest they will start comparing different jobs in terms of monetary benefits. In conclusion, Although the idea of getting cash sounds interesting at first, I firmly believe that making it free with lead to the development of better humans and society.
There is no doubt that the young generation is an asset for any country. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that adolescents should take up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for free in their pass time for the betterment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, others feel the opposite. I am in the opinion with former view, that the unpaid service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in terms of realizing responsibilities and to explore various future aspects in terms of employment.

By active participation in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
projects going on in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
enables this generation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
a sense of responsibility.
In other words
, working for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them aware of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
would want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the betterment.
For instance
, School children in japan engage themselves in cleaning drives across the cities, where they pick all the trash from the ground.
As a result
, they feel a moral obligation of not littering their surroundings.
Consequently
, this practice turns the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
into sincere human-beings which is fruitful for both
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
individual and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. On a contrary, if these jobs
are paid
, they might not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
a sense of responsibility, and will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
equate all the jobs with money.

In addition
to this, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
students to explore various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields which might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to decide their future careers. To exemplify, A young kid working for renovating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
park might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
an interest in gardening. This will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
develop
potential interests and will give them better aspects later in life.
However
, if students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
getting money for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
instead
of developing interest they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
comparing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
jobs in terms of monetary benefits.

In conclusion
, Although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of getting cash sounds interesting at
first
, I
firmly
believe that making it free with lead to the development of better humans and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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