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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Most of the persons think that teens should be helps society in different work in their free time. That can also beneficial for juvenile and the society. Well I not agree with this statement because why we pressure youth to do unpaid work. On the contrary, the teens wants to do jobs which helps them financially. 
Firstly, the youth have other pressure like study and making money for their family and also for their studies. For example, a student who’s study in collage have lot of homework to do and when they done their work they need to do some activities which gave them money and also relaxation. 
On the contrary, if the the teens don’t do jobs in their free time and they play video games and also in dangerous habits like drug consuming. So, in this case they have to do some of unpaid community work to busy their self in different type of peoples which helps them in different life situation. 
In conclusion, people don’t force them to do society works and helps them to focus in their studies and do different jobs to help their family financially.
Most of the persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that teens should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
society in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their free time. That can
also
beneficial for juvenile and the society. Well I not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
why we pressure youth to do unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
On the contrary
, the teens wants to do jobs which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them
financially
. 

Firstly
, the youth have other pressure like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and making money for their family and
also
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
For example
, a student who’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in collage have
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
homework to do and when
You used a past participle without using any required verb (‘be’ or ‘have’).
they done
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they need to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities which gave them money and
also
relaxation. 

On the contrary
, if
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only “the” or “the” is left.
the the
teens don’t do jobs in their free
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they play video games and
also
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
habits like drug consuming.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
in this case
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of unpaid community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to busy their self in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
type of peoples which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
life situation. 

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t force them to do society works and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using “focus”.
focus in
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
jobs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
their family
financially
.

IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
191 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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