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Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching tv or playing games for children’s. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern society numerous people say that playing video games and computer give more enjoy or fun to their children in busy life while other say that reading stories from a book is better for their children to improve many kind of things. I completely agree on the formal statement and elaborate the both views in upcoming paragraph. To begin with books give to us good knowledge which is helpful in our real life. Firstly children who study in school and their reading stories book on regular basis they can improve reading skills which help to their studies also. Secondly teenage children who are doing higher study in school they can improve their knowledge and learn some proper manners such as: how to respect their parents and elder persons and how to handle each and every situations in their life, they can know about the importance of studies. On the other hand electronic gadget are also provide us fun and enjoy to our children on daily basis. Children are feeling more enjoy watching TV and playing Video games rather than reading books they are attached easily with modern technology. Beside of this some children are suffering from eyes disease who are losing their eyes site in early age. To sum up parent and teacher more encourage to child to read stories books rather than watching TV or playing video games. However both they can take more benefits from the children in future.
In modern society numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that playing video games and computer give more enjoy or fun to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in busy life while other say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
stories from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
is better for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
Possible agreement error. The noun kind seems to be countable; consider using: “many kinds”.
many kind
of things. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on the formal statement and elaborate the both views in upcoming paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
give to us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge which is helpful in our real life.
Firstly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who study in school and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
stories
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
on regular basis they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to their studies
also
.
Secondly
teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are doing higher study in school they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge and learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proper manners such as: how to respect their parents and elder persons and how to handle each and every
The noun should probably be in the singular form: “situation”?
situations
in their life, they can know about the importance of studies.

On the other hand
electronic gadget are
also
provide us fun and enjoy to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on daily basis.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are feeling more enjoy watching TV and playing Video games
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
they
are attached
easily
with modern technology. Beside of this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are suffering from eyes disease who are losing their eyes site in early age.

To sum up parent and teacher more encourage to child to read stories
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
rather
than watching TV or playing video games.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
both they can take more benefits from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
The phrase ‘in future’ is British English. Did you mean: “in the future”?
in future
.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching tv or playing games for children’s.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
242 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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