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Some people believe that money is a source of happiness while some disagree. What is your opinion on this?

Some people believe that money is a source of happiness while some disagree. What is your opinion on this? 0AE21
Money is a generally acceptable tool that is used for exchange of goods and services and to complete transactions. In as much as money make things happen, I disagree that it should be a sole source of happiness. Firstly, Money makes a human to have a good platform for a fulfilling life but living a disciplined and purposeful life vis-a-vis pursuing success in one's field and reaching someone's goal in record time offers significant happiness, something that money does not guarantee. For example, it has been shown that professionals who are having a successful career tend to be happier than their counterparts who are into businesses because the former reach his/her goal as planned while the latter is usually not satisfied with the profit realized per time. Also, there is a saying that health is wealth. Living a health-conscious life by keeping fit through regular exercise, ensuring adequate diets and timely treatment of illnesses engender more happiness. Studies have shown that, individuals who participate in daily exercise has a 20% increase in healthy and quality life compared to those that lead a Sedentary Lifestyle. For example, Athletes tend to life a happier life than those that are often lay back. In addition, keeping a family oriented lifestyle where one have a regular gathering with family members promotes harmonious relationships that expel all stress emanating from jobs and business. This underscore the reason why Africans are happier than Europeans and Americans. Studies have shown that Africans have the least tendency to have depression or commit suicide because they always complete at least 2 family gathering in 3 months. For example, Nigeria is considered as a country with happiest people due to the fact that communal and family relationships are highly prevalent. In conclusion, in as much as money is a good tool to get transactions done, it does not necessarily determine happiness as purpose-driven life, healthy lifestyle and family togetherness has proven to offer much more!
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is a
generally
acceptable tool
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for exchange of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services and to complete transactions. In as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
things happen, I disagree that it should be a sole source of happiness.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a human to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
platform for a fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
living a disciplined and purposeful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
'vis-a-vis' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "vis-à-vis"
vis-a-vis
pursuing success in one's field and reaching someone's goal in record time offers significant happiness, something that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
does not guarantee.
For example
, it has
been shown
that professionals who are having a successful career tend to be happier than their counterparts who are into businesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the former reach his/her goal as planned while the latter is
usually
not satisfied with the profit realized per time.

Also
, there is a saying that health is wealth. Living a health-conscious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by keeping fit through regular exercise, ensuring adequate diets and timely treatment of illnesses engender more happiness. Studies have shown that, individuals who participate in daily exercise has a 20% increase in healthy and quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
compared to those that lead a Sedentary Lifestyle.
For example
, Athletes tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
a happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than those that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lay back.

In addition
, keeping a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
oriented lifestyle where one have a regular gathering with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members promotes harmonious relationships that expel all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
emanating from jobs and business. This underscore the reason why Africans are happier than Europeans and Americans. Studies have shown that Africans have the least tendency to have depression or commit suicide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always complete at least 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
gathering in 3 months.
For example
, Nigeria
is considered
as a country with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the happiest".
happiest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
due to the fact that communal and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships are
highly
prevalent.

In conclusion
, in as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
tool to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
transactions done, it does not
necessarily
determine happiness as purpose-driven
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, healthy lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
togetherness has proven to offer much more!
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IELTS essay Some people believe that money is a source of happiness while some disagree. What is your opinion on this?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
325 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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