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Some believe that it is pointless to preserve the old traditions so these must be allowed to die. How far do you agree?

Some believe that it is pointless to preserve the old traditions so these must be allowed to die. How far do you agree? Xyxww
With the passage of time a sea change has been observed in the priorities of people due to technological developments whereas, a school of thought advocates that it is meaningless to save our hoary ways so these must be allowed to extinct. I, however, do not totally agree with the prompt and share my ideologiesd in upcoming paragraphs. Apparently, heritage is our legacy it must be preserved and passed on to posterity. As it helps us to instil the moral or ethical values in our current generation. To substantiate, our culture follows the several rules and regulations like respecting our elders, stick to the commitments, sense of responsibility, being honest and so on. So by indulging children in religious events they can learn the code of conduct. Additionally, living without a religion is living like a orphan. To further elaborate, our traditional methods of working are good which keeps people mentally and physically fit. To exemplify, gone are the days when everything was man-made, like shifting heavy things from one place to another was done by human beings but now all work is replaced by machinery.  Undeniably, there are some orthodox views which are pulling our economy back. The prominent one in inequality between gender which toom place due to old happenings. In simple words, there are some villagers or countrysides where boys are kept at the former place and given more importance rather than girls. Moreover, there are some girls who are still not allowed to move out and study after schooling. Now it is high time so this must be eliminated from our culture. Secondly, many women are facing atrocities due to the dowry system. To further elaborate, they are facing sati in which a women is just burned in fire intentionally for not bringing the extra things for their in laws at the time of marraige. Succinctly, traditions would not be extinct but there is a dire need of some old mindset’s to be eliminated.
With the passage of time a sea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has
been observed
in the priorities of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
due to technological developments whereas, a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
advocates that it is meaningless to save our hoary ways
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to extinct. I,
however
, do not
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the prompt and share my
Possible spelling mistake found.
ideologiesd
in upcoming paragraphs.

Apparently
, heritage is our legacy it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be preserved
and passed on to posterity. As it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
Possible spelling mistake. 'instil' is British English.
instil
the moral or ethical values in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation. To substantiate, our culture follows the several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations like respecting our elders, stick to the commitments, sense of responsibility, being honest and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
by indulging children in religious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
they can learn the code of conduct.
Additionally
, living without a religion is living like
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
orphan. To
further
elaborate, our traditional methods of working are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mentally and
physically
fit. To exemplify, gone are the days when everything was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
-made, like shifting heavy things from one place to another
was done
by human beings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
all work
is replaced
by machinery.  
Undeniably
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
orthodox views which are pulling our economy back. The prominent one in inequality between gender which
Possible spelling mistake found.
toom
place due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
happenings. In simple words, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
villagers or countrysides where boys are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
at the former place and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance
rather
than girls.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
girls who are
still
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out and study after schooling.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
it is high time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be eliminated
from our culture.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women are facing atrocities due to the dowry system. To
further
elaborate, they are facing
Possible spelling mistake found.
sati
in which
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a woman" or simply "women"?
a women
You should probably use: "are".
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
burned in fire
intentionally
for not bringing the extra things for their in laws at the time of
Possible spelling mistake found.
marraige
.
Succinctly
, traditions would not be extinct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is a dire need of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'mindset'.
mindset’s
to
be eliminated
.
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IELTS essay Some believe that it is pointless to preserve the old traditions so these must be allowed to die. How far do you agree?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
328 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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