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Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages? QYL3
Nowadays, people from young children to old grandparents are on social media sites and applications. Some would say that there's only a few negative points about posting and sharing our personal life on these social platforms but I believe there are so much more downsides to it and the benefits aren't superior to negative points. Social media enables people to communicate with their friends even in distance. It not only provides a great community for product owners to find new costumers and promote their products in related market but also helps them to advertise in an efficient way. On the downside, we are dealing with privacy problems more than ever because of the social media. People share their personal information and photos. This information can be misused in so many ways. For example, sharing the location in geo-tagging applications while they are on a trip far from their home, will rise the chance of house burglary. Some companies gather the information from social media and sell their users data that can cause so much problems. Another con of social media is that it has become a tool for showing off about expensive acquisitions which can make some people ashamed and embarrassed about their life. To put in a nutshell, social media is more like a two-edged sword. It can give us the ability of communication and being in touch with our loved ones and sharing our thoughts and learning from others opinions. However, there is a possibility that our shared photos and personal information be exploited and misused. From my point of view the cons of social media network outweigh the pros.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from young children to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
grandparents are on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
sites and applications.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would say that there's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points about posting and sharing our personal life on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
platforms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much more downsides to it and the benefits aren't superior to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points.

Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to communicate with their friends even in distance. It not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides a great community for product owners to find new costumers and promote their products in related market
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to advertise
Consider replacing "in an efficient way" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient way
.

On the downside, we are dealing with privacy problems more than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
share their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and photos. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can
be misused
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
For example
, sharing the location in
Possible spelling mistake found.
geo-tagging
applications while they are on a trip far from their home, will rise the chance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
burglary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
gather the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and sell their users data that can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
problems. Another con of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is that it has become a tool for showing off about expensive acquisitions which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ashamed and embarrassed about their life.

To put in a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is more like a two-edged sword. It can give us the ability of communication and being in touch with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones and sharing our thoughts and learning from others opinions.
However
, there is a possibility that our shared photos and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
be exploited
and misused. From my point of view the cons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
network outweigh the pros.
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IELTS essay Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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