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Smoking tobacco is becoming increasingly popular among young people with potentially serious effects on their health. Explain some reasons for this problem and suggest some possible solution. v.2

Smoking tobacco is becoming increasingly popular among young people with potentially serious effects on their health. Explain some reasons for this problem and suggest some possible solution. v. 2
These days, there has been a progressive increase in the way youngsters smoke cigarette, which may predispose them to adverse health challenges. Incessant advertisement of tobacco and peer pressure are some of the reasons why youth take to smoking. However, these problems could be addressed by laws regulating these companies on advert, and restriction of adolescents from associating with friends that will negatively influence them. There are various reasons why young people have increasingly engaged in smoking. Firstly, it might be as a result of incessant advert of tobacco by the firm. Most companies are known to advertise their products using celebrities, which young individuals try to emulate. Youngsters are easily enticed mostly by what they see other doing, especially people they hold on high esteem as role models. Secondly, increase rate of smoking among youths could also be as a result of peer pressure. Young individuals are easily swayed by attitude of their friends, which in some cases may have negative effect on them. For instance, teens are always seen striving to be like their mates. Some take to smoking simply because their associates are doing it. Nevertheless, these aforementioned challenges could be ameliorated by taking some of these steps. First and foremost, the government should enact laws to regulate the advertisement by tobacco companies. This will go a long way to curtail the use of role models in promoting harmful substances, such as tobacco. Also, on the part of peer pressure, parents should restrict their children from associating with friends, who would inadvertently lure them into indulging in social vices like smoking of cigarette. In conclusion, having considered advertisement of tobacco, especially using prominent individuals by the tobacco corporations, and the negative impact from friends as some of the reasons that have led to frequent smoking among youths. However, these issues could be solved by government making rules and regulations to checkmate advert from tobacco companies. Also, parents should watch out on the kind of friends their children move with.
These days, there has been a progressive increase in the way youngsters smoke cigarette, which may predispose them to adverse health challenges. Incessant
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
and peer pressure are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why youth take to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
However
, these problems could
be addressed
by laws regulating these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
on advert, and restriction of adolescents from associating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
that will
negatively
influence them.

There are various reasons why young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
increasingly
engaged in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
Firstly
, it might be
as a result
of incessant advert of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
by the firm. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are known
to advertise their products using celebrities, which young individuals try to emulate. Youngsters are
easily
enticed
mostly
by what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
other doing,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
they hold on high esteem as role models.
Secondly
, increase rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
among youths could
also
be
as a result
of peer pressure. Young individuals are
easily
swayed by attitude of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, which in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on them.
For instance
, teens are always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
striving to be like their mates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
take to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their associates are doing it.

Nevertheless
, these aforementioned challenges could
be ameliorated
by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these steps.
First
and foremost, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enact laws to regulate the advertisement by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
. This will go a long way to curtail the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of role models in promoting harmful substances, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
.
Also
, on the part of peer pressure, parents should restrict their children from associating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, who would
inadvertently
lure them into indulging in social vices like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
of cigarette.

In conclusion
, having considered
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
,
especially
using prominent individuals by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
corporations, and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
as
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons that have led to frequent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
among youths.
However
, these issues could
be solved
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations to checkmate advert from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
Also
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
out on the kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
their children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
with.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Smoking tobacco is becoming increasingly popular among young people with potentially serious effects on their health. Explain some reasons for this problem and suggest some possible solution. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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