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Should wealthy people be obliged to share their financial success with poor people by supporting health services and education, or is this the responsibility of the poor to improve their own standard of living?

I believe that wealthy people should be obliged to share their wealth with poorer people. But they should not have to support health services and education only, but other areas if they prefer. First of all, we cannot avoid people which are poor. As an example, we see homeless in the train station, at the bus stops and asking us for money. Rich people have extra money and therefore, they should give some help to people with no housing and money. Secondly, many people now are not finding jobs or although they are working, they are not having enough money to pay for his houses or flats especially in city-living which has a high cost of living now. For example, people living in London are working at low income salaries but the cost of living is so higher in contrast. Therefore, it is difficult for these people to have extra money for extra things. To conclude, it is clear that when the rich share their wealth -albeit under duress- they stand to benefit. Furthermore, when the poor gain direct support the help given has a multiplier effect, therefore both actions should be strongly encouraged.
I believe that wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be obliged
to share their wealth with poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support health services and education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other areas if they prefer.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, we cannot avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which are poor. As an example, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
homeless in the train station, at the bus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
and asking us for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
therefore
, they should give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with no housing and money.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are not finding jobs or although they are working, they are not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
or flats
especially
in city-living which has a high cost of living
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in London are working at low income salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the cost of living is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
higher
in contrast
.
Therefore
, it is difficult for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for extra things.
To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that when the rich share their wealth -albeit under duress- they stand to benefit.
Furthermore
, when the poor gain direct support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
has a multiplier effect,
therefore
both actions should be
strongly
encouraged.
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IELTS essay Should wealthy people be obliged to share their financial success with poor people by supporting health services and education, or is this the responsibility of the poor to improve their own standard of living?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
194 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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