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should students have part time jobs instead of having school

should students have part time jobs instead of having school weD8E
The engagement of children in doing many types of paid work are popular in many countries. While some people think this as complete wrong, I may consider this as a valuable work and so as the essential of learning and taking responsibility. The most reasonable thought is students will learn many valuable murals from their experiences. Firstly, the experiences are taken place as paid works and part time jobs that students have besides from school’s activities, for new knowledge, reality skills and friends. For example, teenagers shall have a choice of taking a small job which suits with their daily timeline. In addition, while they are doing paid work and get paid, they may have a good chance to understand the value of money. The fact demonstrates that students have to aware how important and hard to made and amount of money. For instance, the job made them realize that money don’t grow on trees and help them use money wisely. On the other hand, there are some disadvantages for students when they have a job. To start, students won’t be able to complete school’s work so as school can be missed, although they have the rights to have paid jobs. For example, work can be so busy and tough so they may be forgot the homework at school. As the results, it is a huge distraction for students who do not arrange the time schedule, so it has affected a lot on their study. As a perspective, I acknowledge that, although paid jobs bring a lot of advantage to students, there are a few disadvantage of it.
The engagement of children in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
are popular in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this as complete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, I may consider this as a valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as the essential of learning and taking responsibility.

The most reasonable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
valuable murals from their experiences.
Firstly
, the experiences
are taken
place as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
works and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have
besides
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
activities, for new knowledge, reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and friends.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
shall have a choice of taking a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which suits with their daily timeline.
In addition
, while they are doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
, they may have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance to understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. The fact demonstrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
aware how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to made and amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
made them realize that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
don’t grow on trees and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wisely
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
when they have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
won’t be able to complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can
be missed
, although they have the rights to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy and tough
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may be
Consider using a past participle here: "forgotten".
forgot
the homework at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. As the results, it is a huge distraction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who do not arrange the time schedule,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
a lot on their study.

As a perspective, I acknowledge that, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, there are a
Possible agreement error. The noun disadvantage seems to be countable; consider using: "few disadvantages".
few disadvantage
of it.
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IELTS essay should students have part time jobs instead of having school

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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