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Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generation. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too?

Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generation. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too? poN2
These days adults are spending too much time purchasing various items, and they take it as a time pass activity. This is due to a variety of options which are available nowadays, and I believe that these people should be encouraged to other activities too. There is an immense option are available for people who are in their twenties. This means that several various brands are opened now, and every younger citizen is trying to purchase every item to show-off themselves in front of others. For instance, I have read an article in a newspaper a few days ago, the statistics of brands were 80 percent increase in last few years, and with the enhancement of brands 70% purchasers also increase. In short, I believe that number of shopping interests are dependent on some options. In my opinion, we should change the focus of those people in other volunteering activities. In other words, many people are living in miserable conditions if frequent purchasers cut-short their purchasing, and invest some amount to them miserable people, it would be more beneficial though. Moreover, it can help nations to save the environment which is damaging day by day due to human activities. Therefore, I believe that some focus should be put on other people too. In conclusion, shopping is increasing with the increase of the availability of items, and I would believe that they should be turned their focus towards non-profit organizations.
These days adults are spending too much time purchasing various items, and they take it as a time pass
activity
. This is due to a variety of options which are available nowadays, and I
believe
that these
people
should
be encouraged
to
other
activities
too.

There is an immense option are available for
people
who are in their twenties. This means that several various brands
are opened
now
, and every younger citizen is trying to
purchase
every item to
show
-off themselves in front of others.
For instance
, I have read an article in a newspaper a few days ago, the statistics of brands were 80 percent increase in last few years, and with the enhancement of brands 70% purchasers
also
increase. In short, I
believe
that number of shopping interests are dependent on
some
options.

In my opinion, we should
change
the focus of those
people
in
other
volunteering
activities
.
In
other
words,
many
people
are living in miserable conditions if frequent purchasers
cut
-short their purchasing, and invest
some
amount to them miserable
people
, it would be more beneficial though.
Moreover
, it can
help
nations to save the environment which is damaging day by day due to human
activities
.
Therefore
, I
believe
that
some
focus should
be put
on
other
people
too.

In conclusion
, shopping is increasing with the increase of the availability of items, and I would
believe
that they should
be turned
their focus towards non-profit organizations.
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IELTS essay Shopping has become a new favorite pastime for younger generation. Why is this the case? Should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
239 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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