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Several recent studies have shown a link between health and stair usage. One recently completed study shows that people who live in stairs-only apartment buildings (that is, buildings without elevators) live an average of three years longer than do people

Several recent studies have shown a link between health and stair usage. One recently completed study shows that people who live in stairs-only apartment buildings (that is, buildings without elevators) live an average of three years longer than do people KwY21
In the argument mentioned, the author referred to a recently completed study that shows how more healthy are the people who live in stairs-only apartments compared to the people who live in apartments and use elevators. In his build of the argument, the author made some assumptions to solve to his conclusions that are questionable of their representativity of the effect stairs have on people of different ages. first, we see that the author pointed to results of the study such as the frequency in which an elderly visit the doctor and the average life time of people who use stairs compared to those who use elevators. In such evidences, question has to be raised about the financial status of every participant in this study. that is, in general, affluent people are more likely to be living in apartments with elevators than the less wealthy people, therefore, if the study is made on people who are chosen only on the basis of the kind of apartment they live in regardless the financial state of them, it is likely that the study contains more wealthy people in the category of apartments with elevators and less wealthy people in the category of stairs-only apartments. so, In such a case, it would be obvious that for example more wealthy people would have the financial ability to make visits to the doctors more than the less wealthy, and also wealthy people are would be more likely to have a healthy lifestyles as they are able to subscribe in fitness programs of health programs than poor people and this would be the cause of the results of the study, not the effect of the usage of stairs. Moreover, the author also did not mention the nature of the study in terms of the place where it took place and the number of people observed in it. it is probable that the study was conducted in two different areas, for example in villages and cities, given that people living in stairs-only apartments are easily found in villages and the people who live in apartments which have elevators are more easily found in cities. In such case, the reason behind the more healthy indications in the lifestyles of persons who live in stairs-only apartments wouldn't be the usage of the stairs as concluded in the argument, instead, it would be the nature of the life in the village, where people are exposed to pure air and are less stressed than people who live in cities. so, it is important for such a study to be made in one place where people live in one environment to be more reliable. In conclusion, at the first glance, it may seem that the conclusions made by the author are plausible and veracious. Nevertheless, a deeper look at the study which the author relied on to deduce these conclusions, it may seem questionable in terms of the way it where conducted. More facts about the conduction of the study would make the argument more substantiated and cogent. that is, the people observed must be very close in the lifestyle and only differ in the usage of the stairs.
In the
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argument
mentioned, the
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author
referred to a recently completed
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study
that
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shows
how more healthy are the
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people
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who
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live
in stairs-
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only
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apartments
compared to the
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people
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who
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live
in
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apartments
and
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use
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elevators
. In his build of the
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argument
, the
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author
made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assumptions to solve to his
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conclusions
that are questionable of their representativity of the effect stairs have on
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people
of
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different
ages.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
, we
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see
that the
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author
pointed to results of the
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study
such as the frequency in which an elderly visit the doctor and the average
Did you mean "lifetime"?
life time
of
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people
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who
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use
stairs compared to those
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who
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use
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elevators
. In such evidences, question
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has to
be raised
about the financial status of every participant in this
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study
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
is,
in general
, affluent
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people
are more likely to be living in
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apartments
with
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elevators
than the
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less
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wealthy
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people
,
therefore
, if the
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study
is made
on
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people
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who
are chosen
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only
on the basis of the kind of
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apartment
they
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live
in regardless the financial state of them, it is likely that the
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study
contains more
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wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the category of
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apartments
with
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elevators
and
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less
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wealthy
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people
in the category of stairs-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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apartments
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
, In such a case, it would be obvious that
for example
more
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wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would have the financial ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
visits to the doctors more than the
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less
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wealthy
, and
also
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wealthy
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people
are would be more likely to have a healthy
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "lifestyle"?
lifestyles
as they are able to subscribe in fitness programs of health programs than poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and this would be the cause of the results of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, not the effect of the usage of stairs.

Moreover
, the
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author
also
did not mention the nature of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in terms of the place where it took place and the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
observed in it. it is probable that the
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study
was conducted
in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas,
for example
in villages and cities,
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given
that
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people
living in stairs-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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apartments
are
easily
found in villages and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
which have
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elevators
are more
easily
found in cities. In such case, the reason behind the more healthy indications in the lifestyles of persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in stairs-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
wouldn't be the usage of the stairs as concluded in the
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argument
,
instead
, it would be the nature of the life in the village, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are exposed
to pure air and are
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less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
than
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
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live
in cities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
, it is
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important
for such a
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study
to
be made
in one place where
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in one environment to be more reliable.

In
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conclusion
, at the
first
glance, it may seem that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusions
made by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
are plausible and veracious.
Nevertheless
, a deeper look at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
relied on to deduce these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusions
, it may seem questionable in terms of the way it where conducted. More facts about the conduction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
more substantiated and cogent.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
is, the
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people
observed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
close in the lifestyle and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
differ in the usage of the stairs.
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IELTS essay Several recent studies have shown a link between health and stair usage. One recently completed study shows that people who live in stairs-only apartment buildings (that is, buildings without elevators) live an average of three years longer than do people

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
527 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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