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Scientists and technology experts seemed to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

Scientists and technology experts seemed to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. wL3d
Many people argue that the veneration is given to the people who are scientists and experts in technology when compared to the entertainers like musicians and painters. I strongly agree because scientists are discovering something innovative. Firstly, I believe that scientists are the people who invent something which is unknown to the real world. They discover new things which are essential for the planet survival. For instance, they do research under the water bodies and find out new species which are about to get extinct. That's why, scientist's innovations are of high value when compared to the musicians and artists. Secondly, Scientists and technological experts discoveries are essential for the development of country's economy. If a scientist or a technology expert finds a new app or creature will automatically increase it's value in the market as well as it will boost the country's economy. For example, an app created for the educational purpose perhaps be used by all the people of the world and it becomes a renowned app and it will improve the country's financial status. Therefore, artists and musicians are of less value. To recapitulate, the more value is given to the scientists and experts of technology than artists and musicians because they find new things andboost the country, s economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
argue that the veneration is
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given
to the
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people
who are
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scientists
and
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experts
in technology when compared to the entertainers like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and painters. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
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scientists
are discovering something innovative.
Firstly
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who invent something which is unknown to the real world. They discover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things which are essential for the planet survival.
For instance
, they do research under the water bodies and find out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
species which are about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extinct. That's why, scientist's innovations are of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
when compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and artists.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientists
and technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experts
discoveries are essential for the development of country's economy. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
or a technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expert
finds a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
app or creature will
automatically
increase
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
in the market
as well
as it will boost the country's economy.
For example
, an app created for the educational purpose perhaps be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the world and it becomes a renowned app and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the country's financial status.
Therefore
, artists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
are of less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
. To recapitulate, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experts
of technology than artists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things
Possible spelling mistake found.
andboost
the country, s economy.

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seemed to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
213 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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