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Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. ExyR
It is believed that science and technology experts are more valued by humans than artists and people who write music. To my mind, despite the fact that music and other art things are really important for our society, without sphere of science and technology our world would not develop. On the one hand, music and art sphere makes our world not as boring, as it can be without these aspects. For instance, there are a huge number of humans who are not really interested in interesting facts about science, or a brand new technological device. These types of people would definitely choose to listen about fantastic paintings of all history, than about science facts or formulas. Furthermore, it does not mean that these people would not be helpful for the improvement of a society, due to the fact that development does not only mean creating new devices or e. d. On the other hand, despite the fact that we have an enormous number of painters and musicians, improvement of this aspect of our lifestyle would not fix a huge number of environmental and a lot of other types of problems in our society. What I mean by this, is that science should be more valued and investigated than any other aspects, due to the fact science can solve a huge number of problems like hunger or environmental problems. Also, giving chance to improvement to technology experts would definitely help to a number of types of humans, for instance, for blind people or for humans who can not hear anything. In conclusion, I want to say that development and giving more value to an artists and musicians should be a part of our life, but not as huge part as investigating and giving value to a scientists and technology experts.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts are more valued by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
than artists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who write music. To my mind, despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
art things are
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for our society, without sphere of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
our world would not develop.

On the one hand, music and art sphere
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
our world not as boring, as it can be without these aspects.
For instance
, there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
who are not
really
interested in interesting facts about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, or a brand new technological device. These types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would definitely choose to listen about fantastic paintings of all history,
Did you mean "then"?
than
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
facts or formulas.
Furthermore
, it does not mean that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would not be helpful for the improvement of a society, due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that development does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mean creating new devices or e. d.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
that we have an enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of painters and musicians, improvement of this aspect of our lifestyle would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of environmental and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
types of problems in our society. What I mean by this, is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
should be more valued and investigated than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects, due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
can solve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of problems like hunger or environmental problems.
Also
, giving chance to improvement to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts would definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
,
for instance
, for blind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
who can not hear anything.

In conclusion
, I want to say that development and giving more value to an artists and musicians should be a part of our life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
part as investigating and giving value to a scientists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts.
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IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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