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School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v.2

School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v. 2
It has been a debatable issue whether to spend time and money on music classes or not at the school level. Some sect of people argues that music tutorials are simply a waste of time and money instead they suggest to use that time in improving academic performance. However, I believe that school should be encouraged to attend music classes. There are myriad reasons why a child must be sent to music classes. Firstly, music has the power to generate life in inanimate things. Music represents the art of living. A student with knowledge of music will definitely become soft-hearted, kind and mainly pleasant minded. Music improves mental ability which in turn increases concentration power. Thus a child can utilise this power in studies to attain good results. In today’s world, there is a bright career in music. Moreover, pop musicians, singers, music directors, etc get high endorsements. For instance, the legend of the music industry, Oscar award winner A. R. Rahman is a well-known live example who shows the importance of music in life. However, to an extent, music is an innate talent and all the children do not same interest in it. So, in such cases, it may be a waste of time as well as an extra burden on a school student to handle both music classes and also academic syllabus. On the other hand, some people assert that children should make use of money and time in learning useful subjects like science and computers rather than on music classes. Subject related classes enhance their in-depth knowledge of academic concepts. To add more, it will be a kind of revision that increases grip on the school subjects. Ultimately this yields good results. And as we know good results ensures their bright future with a better job. Therefore, it seems wise to spend time and money on useful subjects instead of music classes. In conclusion, good academic performance may secure a student’s career but I opine an all round development is essential for a child in which music plays a very crucial role.
It has been a debatable issue whether to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
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money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
or not at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sect of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argues that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
tutorials are
simply
a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
instead
they suggest to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance.
However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
be encouraged
to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
classes.

There are myriad reasons why a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the power to generate life in inanimate things.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
represents the art of living. A student with knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will definitely become soft-hearted, kind and
mainly
pleasant minded.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
mental ability which in turn increases concentration power.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
a child can
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
this power in studies to attain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
results.

In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, there is a bright career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Moreover
, pop musicians, singers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
directors, etc
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high endorsements.
For instance
, the legend of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry, Oscar award winner A. R. Rahman is a well-known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
example who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in life.
However
, to an extent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an innate talent and all the children do not same interest in it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in such cases, it may be a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as well
as an extra burden on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
student to handle both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
syllabus.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in learning useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like science and computers
rather
than on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Subject
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
enhance their in-depth knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
concepts. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more, it will be a kind of revision that increases grip on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Ultimately
this yields
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
results. And as we know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
results ensures their bright future with a better job.
Therefore
, it seems wise to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
classes.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance may secure a student’s career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I opine an all round development is essential for a child in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial role.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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