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School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v.1

School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v. 1
From centuries music is indeed a need for all humans, and music transforms the life of a big majority of people whether it is in the form of fame or in the money. All humans admire music, as it provides relaxing feeling and a way to run off from the tensions of life. Some people have God gifted ability to sing while others have to take lessons either from schools/colleges or from instructors. A great number of people's opinion is that time and money spent on music is not necessary, they believe that all resources are to be used in learning useful subjects. I am not totally in agreement with the statement and in this essay I will discuss both views with the conclusion. First of all music is a way of earning for a majority of peoples. Nowadays it has become a career path for people loving to be a singer. There are many forms of music like guitar artist, drummer or vocalist, these all have a significant place in the society as in every restaurant or casino there is a need of music, actually the live music, which ultimately attracts a vast majority of public and ultimately increase revenue. So more and more people need to learn the music it seems to them that they have brighter future in the field. And the time, money or other resources they spent on music classes expel rebate to them in near future. On the other hand, resources spent on learning useful subjects have their own worth. Peoples investing in these fields also have a good outcome of their efforts and in the end when they became a top engineer or Doctor and having a name in the society also admire the music of their inmates currently in the field of music. In the end, I would say that you have to work hard either you are choosing music or some other field to become prominent in the society. Peoples always admire your work whether you are famous Doctor, a talented engineer or fascinating singer. Peoples have to decide are they investing their resource in the right direction or not.
From centuries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
indeed
a need for all humans, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
transforms the life of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whether it is in the form of fame or in the money. All humans admire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, as it provides relaxing feeling and a way to run off from the tensions of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have God gifted ability to sing while others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take lessons either from schools/colleges or from instructors. A great number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's opinion is that time and money spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not necessary, they believe that all resources are to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in learning useful subjects. I am not
totally
in agreement with the statement and in this essay I will discuss both views with the conclusion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a way of earning for a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
. Nowadays it has become a career path for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
loving to be a singer. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
forms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
like guitar artist, drummer or vocalist, these all have a significant place in the society as in every restaurant or casino there is a need of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, actually the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which
ultimately
attracts a vast majority of public and
ultimately
increase revenue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to learn the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
it seems to them that they have brighter future in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
. And the time, money or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
resources they spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
classes expel rebate to them in near future.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, resources spent on learning useful subjects have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
worth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Peoples
investing in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
also
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
outcome of their efforts and in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
when they became a top engineer or Doctor and having a name in the society
also
admire the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of their inmates
currently
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of music.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I would say that you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
either you are choosing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
to become prominent in the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Peoples
always admire your work whether you are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Doctor, a talented engineer or fascinating singer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Peoples
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
decide are they investing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
resource
in the right direction or not.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay School authorities should not spend time and money on music classes and more emphasize should be given to useful subjects like science, computer and technology. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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