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Rate of paid work in US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999\

Rate of paid work in US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999\ 0wYp5
Rate of paid work in US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999 is marked in terms of percentage of work force. While the unemployment is considerably decreasing in US, it is increasing significantly in Japan. Both the countries share all but same rate of staying unemployed in March 1999. Paid work force in both countries are under a bit of roller coaster ride. Nonetheless, US employment is increasing on average with some minor up and downs while amount of work force available in Japan is strikingly increasing from March 1993 to March 1999. Highest level of no-work rate for US is 7 in March 1993 while lowest rate is 5. Similarly minimum rate of workers in Japan is 2. 5 in March 1993 and maximum is 5 in March 1999. Paradoxically, both the countries share same fate in March 1999 with striking difference in their sizes and populations.
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Rate
of paid
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work
in US and
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Japan
between March 1993 and March 1999
is marked
in terms of percentage of
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work
force. While the unemployment is
considerably
decreasing in US, it is increasing
significantly
in
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Japan
. Both the countries share all
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but
same
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rate
of staying unemployed in March 1999.

Paid
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work
force in both countries are under a bit of roller coaster ride. Nonetheless, US employment is increasing on average with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "minors"?
minor
up and downs while amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
force available in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
is
strikingly
increasing from March 1993 to March 1999.

A determiner is probably missing here: "the Highest".
Highest
level of no-work
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rate
for US is 7 in March 1993 while lowest
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rate
is 5.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
minimum
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rate
of workers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
is 2. 5 in March 1993 and maximum is 5 in March 1999.
Paradoxically
, both the countries share same fate in March 1999 with striking difference in their sizes and populations.
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IELTS essay Rate of paid work in US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999\

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
150 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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