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playing outside with friends and using simple toys would be better for children's development

playing outside with friends and using simple toys would be better for children's development r8Db2
The importance and big scale of using technological tools are not covered to anyone, and all the people can see how they have affected the daily of specially youngsters. Using advanced tools with high technology help children learn different things very fast and find friends from all parts of the world. On the other hand, playing outside and using simple tools can have their own advantages which one of them is finding a chance for living in real world and meeting people who children can rely on them. In my view, children by growing up in this situation, can have better development, and I will elaborate on my opinion with the following reasons. First and foremost, children by playing outside can find more friends in real life and expand their connections which help them to grow better. Using computers or smartphones enables children to make lots of friends from all around the world that may never find a chance to really meet them. On the other hand, children by playing outside can see different personalities and know people better. The importance of this point is more clear when people pay attention to this point that in social media individuals try to show off and do not show their real personality. Moreover, children by finding new friends who are living around them, can improve their connection which helps to to success in the future. My own life experience is a compelling example of this point. When I was a kid, I used to play outside, and as a result, I could learn how to know people and make new friends. Later, these friends helped me to establish my own business and led to my success in my career. This personal life experience made to find a strong belief on the necessity and importance of playing outside in the real world of all the children. Second, playing simple toys result in appreciating all the little things children will have in their life. Using the most new brand tools which cut the edge make children to seek more developed tools in the future, and this is while playing by simple tools teach them even simple and cheap tools can bring joy in their lives. Moreover, playing video games which are full of luxury cars and items rub the chance of appreciating their parents for each common and simple article buy for them. For instance, My brother plays online games a lot. As a result of having lots of new brand cars in those games, he does not like the simple life we have. His behavior to our parents is rude, and in my eyes, his attitude toward life is due to all those games. The bottom line is that, children by having simple toys can see and pay attention to all little things life provides for them. To sum up, the use of technological tools has its own advantages, but it will brings some disadvantages which may make advanced tools not a good source of developing and teaching children. By using simple toys and going out to play, they can meet new people and create a great connection with the people who can help the later. Beside that, they can find a chance to value all the things they have, no matter if they are simple or cheap. Based on these justifications, my conviction is that simple tools and playing outside will have better effect on the development of children.
The importance and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
scale of using technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
are not covered to anyone, and all the
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people
can
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see
how they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the daily of
specially
youngsters. Using advanced
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tools
with high technology
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help
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children
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
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friends
from all parts of the
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world
.
On the other hand
,
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
and using
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simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
can have their
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own
advantages which one of them is finding a chance for living in
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real
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world
and meeting
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people
who
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children
can rely on them. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by growing up in this situation, can have
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better
development, and I will elaborate on my opinion with the following reasons.

First
and foremost,
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children
by
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playing
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outside
can
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find
more
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friends
in
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real
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life
and expand their connections which
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help
them to grow
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better
. Using computers or smartphones enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
from all around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
that may never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
a chance to
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
them.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
personalities and know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
. The importance of this point is more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay attention to this point that in social media individuals try to
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show
off and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
personality.
Moreover
,
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children
by finding
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new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
who are living around them, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their connection which
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helps
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
success in the future. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experience is a compelling example of this point. When I was a kid, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
, and
as a result
, I could learn how to know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. Later, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to establish my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business and led to my success in my career. This personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experience made to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
a strong belief on the necessity and importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
of all the children.

Second,
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playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
toys result in appreciating all the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Using the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
brand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the edge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to seek more developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
in the future, and this is while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
teach them even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
can bring joy in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which are full of luxury cars and items rub the chance of appreciating their parents for each common and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
article
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
for them.
For instance
, My brother plays online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
a lot.
As a result
of having lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
brand cars in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, he does not like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
we have. His behavior to our parents is rude, and in my eyes, his attitude toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is due to all those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The bottom line is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
toys can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and pay attention to all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "things'" or "thing's"?
things
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life
provides for them.

To sum up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technological
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tools
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages,
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but
it will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "bring"
brings
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some
disadvantages which may
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make
advanced
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tools
not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of developing and teaching
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children
. By using
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simple
toys and going out to play, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
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new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and create a great connection with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
. Beside that, they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
a chance to value all the things they have, no matter if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
. Based on these justifications, my conviction is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
will have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
effect on the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay playing outside with friends and using simple toys would be better for children's development

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
577 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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