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Playing a game is fun only when you win. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? v.1

Playing a game is fun only when you win. v. 1
Nowadays there are many ways for people to get fun and spend their time with satisfaction. However, this is an opinion that the only way to get pleasure from games is a victory. Personally, I strongly disagree with this statement, so let’s consider some of the reasons in the following essay. Firstly, people are able to learn something new when they are playing games. For example, players can use tricky ways of playing as well as unusual skills that can completely change the situation on a game field. One should note here that kids often play football in this way. Some of teens may have bad skills at this sport, but they are always taught by their teammates who demonstrate techniques and important abilities which allow to play better. As a result, children always spend time together playing the game or just practicing doing something related to it and with some amount of jokes it becomes the funniest way of spending time. Secondly, games allow to find new friends. For instance, some adults prefer to play in order to get some social interaction and communication. In this case, people gather together at some places and talk with each other while participating in a cardboard game. During that time friends tell interesting stories, share secrets and, in addition, make new friends. Consequently, it allows players to have a wide range of colleagues who always ready to meet and discuss new news or other interesting stuff despite that a game is not a main reason for the meeting. To draw the conclusion, I am of the opinion that games are able to make us happy not only when we win, but almost every time. This is because we can learn how to play and we get a portion of social interaction.
Nowadays there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fun and spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with satisfaction.
However
, this is an opinion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pleasure from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a victory.
Personally
, I
strongly
disagree with this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s consider
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons in the following essay.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to learn something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
when they are playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, players can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
tricky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
of playing
as well
as unusual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that can completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the situation on a game field. One should note here that kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
football in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
.
After 'Some of', you should use 'the' ("Some of the teens") or simply say "Some teens".
Some of teens
may have
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bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at this sport,
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but
they are always taught by their teammates who demonstrate techniques and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
abilities which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
better.
As a result
, children always spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
together playing the game or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
practicing doing something related to it and with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of jokes it becomes the funniest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
of spending time.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
Did you mean "finding"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adults prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social interaction and communication.
In this case
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
gather together at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places and talk with each other while participating in a cardboard game. During that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
interesting stories, share secrets and,
in addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends.
Consequently
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
players to have a wide range of colleagues who always ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and discuss
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
or other interesting stuff despite that a game is not a main reason for the meeting.

To draw the conclusion, I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us happy not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when we win,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
almost every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we can learn how to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
play and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a portion of social interaction.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Playing a game is fun only when you win. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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