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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Physical exercise is more important to older people than to younger people.

Physical exercise is more important to older people than to younger people. ONVE
Without a doubt, it is critically important that we keep exercising to maintain our mental and physical health. Personally, I believe that elderly people need more physical exercise than young people. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, older people have higher risks to get diseases and injuries, and physical exercise will prevent them. Without exercising, their risks to get any diseases will drastically increase and they will not be able to live a healthy life. My personal experience is a compelling example of this. When I was a high school student, my grandfather got serious sick. It took three months to recover from the disease since he had not exercised at all at that time. When he recovered from the illness, his doctor advised him do a regular exercise every day and he continued exercising every day after that. Consequently, he has been healthy for ten years after the illness. On the contrary, I never got sick when I was a high school student although I did not exercise at all. As this example illustrates, exercising is more important for elderly people to keep their health than younger people. Secondly, elderly people tend to be exposed to stressful situation more frequently than younger people, thus they need more to relax by exercising themselves. Older people usually feel so much stress in their work place but exercising is going to help to reduce their stress. For instance, when I was a university student, my father usually got home with depressed face. He was a general manager of an international advertising company and he had a lot of stressful discussions every day. Every weekend, he went to the gym to exercise and to remove his stress. He always said to me that he cannot live without the gym. In contrast, I did not feel so much stress and easily remove them to meet with my friend etc. since I had a lot of free time. Therefore, opportunities to exercise are more crucial for older people than younger people. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that older people should do exercise more than younger people do. This is because they have higher risks to get sick, and because they need to remove stress more than younger humans.
Without a doubt, it is
critically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
to maintain our mental and physical health.
Personally
, I believe that elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need more physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
than young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
diseases and injuries, and physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any diseases will
drastically
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
increase and
they will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life. My personal experience is a compelling example of this. When I was a high school student, my grandfather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
serious sick. It took three months to recover from the disease since he had not exercised at all at that time. When he recovered from the illness, his doctor advised him do a regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
he continued
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
every day after that.
Consequently
, he has been healthy for ten years after the illness.
On the contrary
, I never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
sick when I was a high school student although I did not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
at all. As this example illustrates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their health than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Secondly
, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
be exposed
to stressful situation more
frequently
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
thus
they need more to relax by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
themselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
in their work place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
.
For instance
, when I was a university student, my father
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
home with depressed face. He was a general manager of an international advertising
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
he had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
stressful discussions every day. Every weekend, he went to the gym to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and to remove his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
. He always said to me that he cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without the gym.
In contrast
, I did not feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
and
easily
remove them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with my friend etc. since I had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
free time.
Therefore
, opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
are more crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need to remove
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
humans.
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IELTS essay Physical exercise is more important to older people than to younger people.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
387 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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