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personal statement of postgraduate study

personal statement of postgraduate study N3JEy
As a Captain Engineer in the Royal Saudi Armed Forces, I have always been intrigued by how these military vehicles were manufactured? And how did these engineers from companies such as OSHKOSH design and manufacture it? What about the softwares that they used? Have they performed a manual calculation? What about the experimental designs they have made? How many times have they performed it? And which manufacturing techniques have they applied? All these questions have increased the curiosity in me, although as a mechanical engineer graduated from King Abdulaziz University with a GPA of 4. 24/5 and an accreditation from the Accreditation Board for Engineering and Technology, I did design and manufacture my senior project with my senior colleagues back then in my undergraduate studies by using the computer aided design softwares (SolidWorks and ANSYS) and the conventional manufacturing techniques, yet more technologies I have observed a more questions have come to my mind; and the result of these questions is that still there is an enormous amount of hidden knowledge in the field of mechanical engineering that I have to knock on new doors to learn about it. The new door that I intend to knock on is the postgraduate program at the University of Birmingham. The advanced mechanical engineering masters course provides a wide range of modules in mechanical engineering field such as advanced mechanics and thermal systems, which provides the knowledge of classical mechanics, impact mechanics and stress wave and the advanced dynamics, all these relate to the first part of the module. The second part provides the knowledge of the theory of conduction heat transfer, the theory of laminar and turbulent boundary layers and more. In addition, there is the advanced manufacturing module that provides a knowledge of the modelling of manufacturing processes and the laser-based manufacturing technologies, as well as a variety of module options are available in this course, and not to mention the three core modules which are advanced project, integrated design project and research and professional skills. I'm full of confidence that this program will help me to pursue my knowledge in the mechanical engineering field and will assist me to reach the next level of the engineer that the military industries are seeking for. Although being a Captain Engineer in the Royal Saudi Armed Forces has already provided me with the opportunity to express myself as a mechanical engineer, but I have the ambition to seek for a better and higher positions in my workplace, and the advanced mechanical engineering master course in the University of Birmingham will offer me the opportunity to be a Liaison Officer between the Royal Saudi Armed Forces and the military industries companies. The knowledge that I'll obtain from this course will make me qualified and capable of assessing the projects that will be provided from these companies based on a solid engineering background and if these projects are suitable for the soldiers in the field based on their training courses and if not, what modification is necessary to make it useful, this will save the money and the time for the Royal Saudi Armed Forces. I am eager and enthusiastic about completing my postgraduate studies at your university to make this a reality.
As a Captain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineer
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Royal
Saudi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Forces
, I have always
been intrigued
by how these military vehicles
were manufactured
? And how did these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineers
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
such as OSHKOSH
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
design
and manufacture it? What about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
? Have they performed a manual calculation? What about the experimental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
designs
they have made? How
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times have they performed it? And which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
techniques have they applied? All these questions have increased the curiosity in me, although as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineer
graduated from King Abdulaziz
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
with a GPA of 4. 24/5 and an accreditation from the Accreditation Board for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
and Technology, I did
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
design
and manufacture my senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
with my senior colleagues back then in my undergraduate studies by using the computer aided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
design
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
(
Possible spelling mistake found.
SolidWorks
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
ANSYS
) and the conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
techniques,
yet
more technologies I have observed a more questions have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to my mind; and the result of these questions is that
still
there is an enormous amount of hidden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
that I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
knock on new doors to learn about it.

The new door that I intend to knock on is the postgraduate program at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
of Birmingham. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
masters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modules
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
mechanics and thermal systems, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of classical mechanics, impact mechanics and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
wave and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
dynamics, all these relate to the
first
part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
module
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
second part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of the theory of conduction heat transfer, the theory of laminar and turbulent boundary layers and more.
In addition
, there is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
module
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of the modelling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
processes and the laser-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
technologies,
as well
as a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
module
options are available in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
, and not to mention the three core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modules
which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
, integrated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
design
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
project
and research and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I'm full of confidence that this program will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to pursue my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
and will assist me to reach the
next
level of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineer
that the military industries are seeking for.

Although being a Captain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineer
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Royal
Saudi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Forces
has already provided me with the opportunity to express myself as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineer
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I have the ambition to seek for a better and higher positions in my workplace, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
of Birmingham will offer me the opportunity to be a Liaison Officer between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Royal
Saudi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Forces
and the military industries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
that I'll obtain from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me qualified and capable of assessing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
that will
be provided
from these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
based on a solid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
background and if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
are suitable for the soldiers in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
based on their training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
and if not, what modification is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it useful, this will save the money and the time for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Royal
Saudi
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Forces
. I am eager and enthusiastic about completing my postgraduate studies at your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this a reality.
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IELTS essay personal statement of postgraduate study

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
538 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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