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People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our lives generally more comfortable, but many traditional values and customs have been lost and this is a pity. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our lives generally more comfortable, but many traditional values and customs have been lost and this is a pity. G70m
The predominant justification of my view point is that in these days most of person spend much time in their job profession. This is because they want to earn more money and full fill their all desires such as a bungalow, expensive cars and latest gizmos. Moreover, mankind also believes to have a number of business alternatives with a view to earning more profit from different sources. For instance, In this era some of the youngsters leave no stone unturned to buy the latest smartphone also they are leaving distance from their families.
The predominant justification of my view point is that in these days
Consider using "most person" or "most of the person".
most of person
spend much time in their job profession. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to earn more money and full fill their all desires such as a bungalow, expensive cars and latest gizmos.
Moreover
, mankind
also
believes to have a number of business alternatives with a view to earning more profit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sources.
For instance
, In this era
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
no stone unturned to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the latest smartphone
also
they are leaving distance from their families.

IELTS essay People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our lives generally more comfortable, but many traditional values and customs have been lost and this is a pity.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
93 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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