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Parents should encourage students to spend more time on academic programs instead of physical exercises. To what extent do you agree or not?

Parents should encourage students to spend more time on academic programs instead of physical exercises. jR8Qd
In contemporary society, education measures have been more and more various. Thus, some people might say that teaching academic programs to students is much more important than physical exercises. In my opinion, I do not agree with this opinion and I will illustrate my point of view in this essay. To be honest, science and literature courses are significant for students. Firstly, academic knowledge is always related to the exam grade of a student, which is crucial for them to study in a better university as well as get a high paying job. Therefore, in order to reach this target, many parents are wishing their children focusing on the academic part. In contrast, physical exercises are as vital as some major subjects’ education. The most important reason is that doing sports is beneficial for both body and mental health of children in school. Because in recent year, the pressure for the student on studying has been increasing dramatically, which lead to damage on their body and mental condition, the exercises can be used to strengthen their body and release their studying pressure, that could help them far away from depression and anxiety. Furthermore, the physical exercise also may give a good stand of living for student because, in recent year, the demand of people on studying some special sports has been growing, which cause the demand for coach increases. Consequently, the coach also will have a high living quality. In conclusion, all the above demonstrates that children should study in school comprehensively rather than only concentrating on the academic part of the school.
In contemporary society, education measures have been more and more various.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might say that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
programs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
. In my opinion, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and I will illustrate my point of view in this essay.

To be honest, science and literature courses are significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge is always related to the exam grade of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, which is crucial for them to study in a better university
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high paying job.
Therefore
, in order to reach this target,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
The verb 'wishing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are wishing
their children focusing on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
part.

In contrast
, physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
are as vital as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major subjects’ education. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that doing sports is beneficial for both body and mental health of children in school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in recent year, the pressure for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
on studying has been increasing
dramatically
, which lead to damage on their body and mental condition, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to strengthen their body and release their studying pressure, that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them far away from depression and anxiety.
Furthermore
, the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
also
may give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stand of living for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in recent year, the demand of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special sports has been growing, which cause the demand for coach increases.
Consequently
, the coach
also
will have a high living quality.

In conclusion
, all the above demonstrates that children should study in school
comprehensively
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrating on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
part of the school.
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IELTS essay Parents should encourage students to spend more time on academic programs instead of physical exercises.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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