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Organisation of Life is an art

Organisation of Life is an art EN8Aq
On one hand, I know people who have worked in one organization all their life. On the other, I have an acquaintance who has switched four companies in the past five years. There are reasons behind switching companies like professional growth, personal growth, . The medical industry has become drastically more efficient in the past century. The average global life expectancy has increased from over thirty years to over sixty years in the past 100 years. Modern medical care includes treatments like chemotherapy, dialysis and organ transplant. These not only increase the life of a patient but also offer full recovery in some fatal cases. Firstly, a longer life expectancy has a direct impact on the global economy. People are able to dedicate a larger proportion of their lives to adding value. It also affords people to develop a long-term attitude towards life. This lifestyle is both more fulfilling and sustainable. A longer life provides individuals the opportunity to not only survive but also thrive. It aids people to pursue their hobbies and dreams. On the other hand, humans living longer lives means increased population which lives longer. This means higher levels of exploitation of natural resources that support human life. Also, medical treatments sometimes offer only sustenance and not recovery. Some patients with severe medical conditions become inactive and consequently melancholy. In my opinion, it is beneficial for both individuals and the society to have a longer life expectancy. For example, the founder of McDonald’s experienced a heart attack in his 40s. He established the most recognized global fast-food chain in his early fifties. This contributed towards the greater good and helped him realise his life goals. Such an event would have been rare if we go back only decades. Recapitulating, while there are some disadvantages to longer life expectancy, they can be solved with better medical care and technology. I think medical care will and should continue to improve and evolve.
On one hand, I know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have worked in one organization all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. On the other, I have an acquaintance who has switched four
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the past five years. There are reasons behind switching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like professional growth, personal growth
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .


The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
industry has become
drastically
more efficient in the past century. The average global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has increased from over thirty years to over sixty years in the past 100 years. Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care includes treatments like chemotherapy, dialysis and organ transplant. These not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of a patient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
offer full recovery in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fatal cases.

Firstly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has a direct impact on the global economy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are able to dedicate a larger proportion of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to adding value. It
also
affords
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop a long-term attitude towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This lifestyle is both more fulfilling and sustainable. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
provides individuals the opportunity to not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
survive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
thrive. It aids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to pursue their hobbies and dreams.

On the other hand
, humans living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
means increased population which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
. This means higher levels of exploitation of natural resources that support human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
sustenance and not recovery.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
patients with severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
conditions become inactive and
consequently
melancholy.

In my opinion, it is beneficial for both individuals and the society to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy.
For example
, the founder of McDonald’s experienced a heart attack in his 40s. He established the most recognized global
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chain in his early fifties. This contributed towards the greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
goals. Such an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
would have been rare if we go back
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
decades. Recapitulating, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy, they can
be solved
with better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care and technology. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care will and should continue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and evolve.
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IELTS essay Organisation of Life is an art

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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